Snak

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can´t stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What´s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It´s Keith, the dwarf."

Det holder bare ikke at denne tråd er så langt nede på siderne. Den her lå i mailen her i dag, og hedder "Snappy Comebacks":

Snappy answer #1

A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he Opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn´t find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No, they´re dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I´ve been waiting for you all day,"
the Policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?"
The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow´s final exam.
"Now, I won´t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or death in your immediate family but that´s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s*xual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you´d have to write the exam with your other hand."

Mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here´s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it´s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women´s breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


BR

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn´t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck´s going on up here? We´re having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU´VE GOT A DRIVER!


BR

Der var 3 bøsser i et telt.
Den ene bøsse sagde han havde en pik på 13 cm.
Det er da ikke noget sagde nummer 2; "min er 17 cm".

Så sagde den 3. fyr at hans pik er 25 cm.

Det havde de 2 andre noget ondt i røven over.

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I´ve decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I´ve decided I´m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I´ve decided I´m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they´re all back in the car and heading towards home.
The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you´ve learned something today?"
The son says,
"Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies,
"I´ve only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*stards"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict´s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you´re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you´re ugly."


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To nonner

er ude at gå. . . . . .

Den ene bliver kaldt for Søster Matematik på grund af hendes skarpe matematiske sans, og den anden kaldes Søster Logik, fordi hun er så logisk. Det bliver mørkt, og de er endnu langt fra klosteret.

SM: Har du lagt mærke til den mand, der følger efter os? Gad vide, hvad han vil.

SL: Det er da logisk - han vil voldtage os.

SM: Åh nej dog - med denne afstand vil han nå os inden 15 minutter. Hvad gør vi?

SL: Det eneste logiske vi kan gøre. Vi går hurtigere.

SM: Det virker ikke.

SL: Selvfølgelig virker det ikke! Han gør jo det eneste logiske: han går osse hurtigere!

SM: Så hvad gør vi nu? Med denne afstand vil han nå os i løbet af 1 minut.

SL: Det eneste logiske vi kan gøre er at splitte os op. Du går den vej, og jeg går den vej. Han kan ikke følge efter os begge to. Manden besluttede sig for at forfølge Søster Logik, mens Søster Matematik når frem til klosteret i god behold. Hun er meget bekymret for den anden Søster, som endelig dukker op.

SM: Søster Logik - gudskelov! Fortæl mig, hvad der skete! SL: Der skete det eneste logiske: manden kunne jo ikke følge efter os begge, så han valgte mig.

SM: Ja ja, det ved jeg jo godt (lidt misundeligt). Men hvad skete der så?

SL: Det eneste logiske: jeg begyndte at løbe så hurtigt, jeg kunne, og manden begyndte at løbe så hurtigt han kunne. SM: Og hvad skete så?

SL: Det eneste logiske: han indhentede mig!

SM: Åh nej da - og hvad gjorde du så!

SL: Det eneste logiske: jeg løftede min kjole op!

SM: Åh nej Søster - hvad gjorde manden så?

SL: Det eneste logiske: han trak sine bukser helt ned.

SM: Åh nej da - og hvad skete der så?

SL: Ja, det er jo helt logisk! En nonne med kjolen løftet op kan jo løbe hurtigere end en mand med bukserne nede om knæene...


Og til dem af jer, der troede denne historie ville blive fræk:

Bed straks jeres Fadervor og kom så tilbage til arbejdet!


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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for mayor, "Your former secretary said publicly that you have a small penis... Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth really is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."


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