Snak

David Beckham og Raul er ude at løbe en tur:
Beckham: Pyh, når jeg kommer hjem, så flår jeg Victorias trusser af.
Raul: Jeg vidste ikke, at du blev ophidset af at løbe?
Beckham: Det gør jeg skam heller ikke, men Victorias trusser kravler hele tiden op i røven.


-

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows
and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer
hall.
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my
bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow´s vagina and rubbed it all
over the bull´s nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips
his fingers in the cow´s vagina and rubs it all around the bull´s nose.
The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben
was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can´t get the effect on
the bull out of his mind.
As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife´s vagina and
feeling that it´s nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets
a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!" She rolls
over, turns on the light and says,
"You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that
you have a nosebleed?"

For helvede Hulk den var jo ulækker :) Tak for de klamme billeder i mit hoved nu

Ha ha, den var sgu god. Og ja, man får nogle pænt klamme billeder i hovedet.

We have seperated.

She told me we couldn´t afford beer anymore and I´d have to quit.

Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up, £150 for a cut & colour,
£30 for a manicure, £40 for a pedicure, £50 on vitamins, £300 on clothes
and £600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don´t think she´s coming back.

En gammel mand er ude og køre i tog.
Foran ham i kupeén, sidder en punker med håret formet som en hanekam.

Den gamle mand stirrer på ham med store øjne i meget lang tid. Det bliver til sidst for meget for punkeren, der pludselig råber:"Hvad glor du på, din gamle mand?. Har du aldrig gjort noget vildt i din ungdom?"
"Jo", svarer den gamle: "Jeg kneppede en høne engang og nu spekulerer jeg på om du er min søn".


There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you´re doing? It´s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I´d come out there and kick your butt!”

A man went over to his girl´s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"


It´s Saturday morning and Bob´s just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl´s voice.

"Hi, honey, it´s Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven´t got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here´s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car´s just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she´s all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he´s dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver´s side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can´t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don´t notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don´t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where´s my Rolex!"

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ´´Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?´´ When Mary didn´t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ´´God Almighty !´´ shouted Mary and the teacher said, ´´Very good´´ and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ´´Who is our Lord and Savior?´´ But Mary didn´t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ´´Jesus Christ!´´ shouted Mary and the teacher said, ´´Very good,´´ and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ´´What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?´´ And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ´´If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I´ll break it in half!´´ The Teacher fainted.

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn´t know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he´s going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I´m sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can´t take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we´ll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn´t want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
´´Great!´´ replied Bozo. ´´How much do I have to pay?´´ he asks.
´´One thousand dollars for the food.´´
´´But I haven´t touched the food."
´´It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
´´But I didn´t even know how to turn the damn thing on!´´
´´It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
´´But I slept on the floor!´´
´´It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
´´You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.´´
´´But sir, I didn´t screw your donkey.´´
´´It was there. You should have!´´

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ´´tragedy.´´
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn´t anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy´s house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

Andrew gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Andrew replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a fifty pound note on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a fifty pound notel tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, firstly I like to watch my money grow. Secondly, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,lastly, instead of your going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want."

Andrew is recovering nicely at the local Hospital.

Ved ikke om denne er posted, men her er den :D

A lawyer from Illinois, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they´ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the two bills and wrote a check for $300

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you´re having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably beer hunting with his buddies."

-

Manden skal på jagt og spørger konen, om ikke hun vil med.

- Nej, siger hun.

Nå, der går lidt og han spørger igen:

- Vil du ikke med på jagt?

- Nej!!

- Ok, du har så tre muligheder. Enten et blowjob, en gang analsex eller du kommer med på jagt. Du får 5 minutter til at bestemme dig..!!

5 minutter senere

- Har du så besluttet dig?

- Ja, du får et blowjob.

Hun starter og med det samme begynder hun at spytte og hoste.

- Den smager jo af lort!!!!

Manden: Ja, hunden ville heller ikke med.