Snak

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I´m not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT´S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he´ll jump her bones, and he´ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE´S the SOB who ran over my FROG!"

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Patient: "Doctor Doctor, I cant stop singing "Sex Bomb".
Doctor: "Ah yeah, you have Tom Jones syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "its not unusual."

En bonde står og passer sin fåreflok.

Pludselig kommer der en spritny BMW 645. Ud stiger en fyr i Hugo Boss-habit, Gucci sko, Ray-Ban solbriller og et YSL-slips og råber til bonden:

-Hvis jeg kan regne ud, hvor mange får du har, må jeg så få et af dem?

Bonden kigger på fyren og svarer:
-Det er OK med mig!

Fyren tager sin IBM Notebook frem og åbner den på bilens motorhjelm.

Ved hjælp af Nokias seneste 3G-telefon kobler han sig op på en NASA-side på Internettet.
Han kontakter et GPS-sattelitnavigationssystem, henter den eksakte position, og giver data videre til en NASA-sattelit, der scanner området med et højopløsningskamera.
Så åbner han digitalbilledet i Adobe Photoshop og eksporterer det til Image Processing Facility i Hamburg.

I løbet af få sekunder får han en e-mail på sin Palm PDA med teksten:

"Picture processed and data stored".

Derefter logger han sig på en MS-SQL database via ODBC og henter et avanceret Excel-regneark.

Han kopierer de mange data fra billedet ind i regnearket, og kort efter kan han udskrive en 4-farvet rapport på 150 sider på sin miniature-hightech-Colorlaserprinter.

Fyren kaster et blik på sidste side og siger:
-Du har nøjagtig 1586 får!

-Det stemmer, siger bonden, så må du tage ét af fårene.

Bonden står og betragter fyren, mens han udvælger sig ét af fårene. Manden forsøger derefter at bakse det udvalgte dyr ned i bagagerummet på BMW`en.

Så siger bonden:
-Hvis jeg kan sige præcist, hvad du arbejder med, kan jeg så få fåret tilbage?

Fyren tænker sig lidt om et øjeblik og accepterer så.

-Du er IT-konsulent! siger bonden.
-Det er rigtigt, hvordan kunne du vide det? siger fyren
-Det var ikke så svært. Du er kommet uden nogen har ringet efter dig, du skulle have betaling for noget jeg allerede vidste, på et spørgsmål jeg ikke har stillet, og så har du brugt en masse ressourcer.
Desuden har du ikke en klap forstand på det forretningsområde, du udtaler dig om...

Så vær lige så venlig at åbne bagagerummet og giv mig min hund tilbage...

BR

Police Comment Transcriptions

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they´re new. They´ll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I´ll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you´ll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn´t know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don´t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don´t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I´m warning you not to do that again or I´ll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don´t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we´re allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I´m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn´t think we gave pretty women tickets? You´re right, we don´t - Sign here."


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#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn´t know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

Dirty Harry?

To drenge spiller bold uden for deres hus i Brøndby.
- Hey, skråler deres mor, hvor har I den bold fra?
- Vi har fundet den.
- Er I sikre på, at det er en bold, der er blevet væk?
- Ja da, vi så nogen lede efter den.


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Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?"


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Op med dig på sådan en fredag.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it´s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley ,"........ responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when
1/2 of all Americans don´t have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that´s right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when
1/2 of all Americans don´t have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And Sixth, ....what the hell happened to Stanley?"


BR

What does a pizza delivery guy have in common with a Gynecologist?
He can smell it but can´t eat it.

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