Snak

A recently widowed lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

___________

What is the difference between Clint Eastwood and Elton John?

One makes your day, the other make your WHOLE week...

Vi springer direkte ud i det!


Konen kommer hjem, og opdager så at manden er ved at ordne en ung knøs.
Nå. Så siger konen: "Jeg kan tilgive dig hvis der i morgen står noget ude foran husets dør, der kan ryge fra 0 til 100 på tre sekunder".
Næste morgen åbner konen døren, og ser forbavset en vægt stå udenfor husets dør. Manden forklarer så. "Stil dig op på vægten, og du skal se noget der ryger fra 0 til 100 på tre sekunder.

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he´d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn´t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don´t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don´t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C´mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don´t usually mention this, but there is the ´voodoo dick,´" the old man said.

"So what´s up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f**king deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven´t seen what it´ll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I´ll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn´t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he´d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she´d ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she´d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she´d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn´t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn´t stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/s_heathrow...

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried her....

Hvordan får man en fisk til at grine? Man putter den i kildevand.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let´s all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Dictionary for Decoding Women´s Personal Ads:

40-ish ............................ 49
Adventurous .......Slept with everyone
Athletic .................. No breasts
Average looking ................ Moooo
Beautiful ...........Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure ..... On medication
Feminist ......................... Fat
Free spirit ................... Junkie
Friendship first ......... Former slut
New-Age ......Hair in the wrong places
Old-Fashioned ................. No BJs
Open-minded ................ Desperate
Outgoing ....... Loud and Embarrassing
Professional ................... Bitch
Voluptuous .................. Very Fat
Hugh frame ................ Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate .............. Stalker

WOMEN´S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You´ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you´re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You´re certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN´S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let´s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I´d like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I´d like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I´d like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I´d like to have sex with you.
11. I don´t think those shoes go with that outfit - I´m gay


-

En gammel mand på 90 var ved lægen, for sin årlige helbredsundersøgelse,
og lægen spurgte hvordan han havde det.
"Jeg har aldrig haft det bedre", pralede han.
"Jeg har en kone på 18, og hun er gravid og skal have mit barn.
Hvad siger du så ?"
Lægen tænkte lidt over det, og sagde:
"Lad mig fortælle dig en historie. Jeg kendte engang en mand,
som var en ivrig jæger. Han gik aldrig glip af en sæson.
Men en dag havde han travlt og kom ved et uheld til at
tage sin paraply med i stedet for sin riffel.
Da han gik ude i skoven dukkede der pludselig en kæmpestor grå bjørn op.
Så han hæver sin paraply og sigtede på bjørnen og
klemte til med fingeren omkring håndtaget. Og ved du hvad der skete ?"
Måbende svarede den gamle mand: "Nej."
Lægen fortsatte:
"Bjørnen faldt død omkring lige foran ham."
"Det er umuligt", udbrød den gamle mand, "en anden må have skudt bjørnen."
"Det er ligesom det jeg prøver at sige", svarede lægen.

2 Sloanes got caught in possession of Cocaine and were given community service.

They were ordered to do some work for Kensington & Chelsas public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without
rest, Arabella digging the hole, Miranda filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn´t understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I´m impressed by the effort you two are
putting into your work, but I don´t get it-why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

Arabella wiped his brow and sighed, "Ya, well I suppose it looks rather silly because we normally work with Georgina, but she´s orf sick today.

"And what does Georgina do?"

"She plants the trees"