Snak

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You´re in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You´re in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You´re in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn´t you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an´ you tella me dat de Chinese´a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn´t shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn´t get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn´t fin´ him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can´t find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

BR

Ha Ha

Den er vist gammel, men I får den alligevel:

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we´re not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I´d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we´ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There´s no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I´m sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you´ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it´s hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don´t understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

BR

An inebriated man, clearly enjoying his weekend off, walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
"Get out," says the bartender. "I don´t serve drunks here".
The drunken man, acknowledges this fact, and staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.
"I just told you to get out, didn´t I? Now LEAVE!"
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.
The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs, "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"


-

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman´s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I´ve had to turn the knob many times and I´ve always loved the results. But now I´ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won´t get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren´t bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there´s no point in asking about the goatee....."

-

Det følgende er angiveligt et virkeligt spørgsmål, der blev stillet ved en halvvejseksamen på University of Washington.

Svaret var så slående og opsigtsvækkende, at professoren der modtog det, delte det med sine kollegaer via nettet, og det er så grunden til at i kan læse det nu.

Ekstraspørgsmål: Er Helvede eksotermisk (afgiver varme) eller endotermisk (absorberer varme)?

De fleste studerende skrev om deres overbevisninger, hvor de brugte Boyle´s Lov, dvs. at gas køler ned, når det udvider sig, og varmes op når det bliver presset sammen, eller en lignende variant.

Der var dog én studerende, der skrev følgende:

Først skal vi finde ud af hvorledes Helvedes´ masse forandrer sig gennem tiden. Så vi skal finde ud af med hvilken rate sjæle ryger i Helvede, og med hvilken rate sjæle forlader Helvede.

Jeg tror at vi nogenlunde sikkert kan slå fast, at når en sjæl havner i Helvede, ja så forlader den det ikke igen. Ergo er der ingen sjæle der forlader stedet.

Når det så drejer sig om antallet af sjæle der ryger i Helvede, bør vi kigge på de forskellige religioner der findes i verden. De fleste af disse religioner påstår, at hvis du ikke er medlem af deres religion, ja så havner du i Helvede. Siden der er mere end en religion af den type, og siden folk som regel ikke tilhører mere end en religion, kan vi forudsige at alle sjæle havner i Helvede.

Med fødsels-og dødstal kan vi så forvente at antallet i Helvede øges hele tiden.

Derpå kigger vi på hastigheden af forandringen af størrelsen på Helvede, fordi Boyle´s Lov siger at for at temperaturen og trykket i Helvede skal forblive det samme, bør størrelsen af Helvede forøges proportionelt,
efterhånden som der kommer flere sjæle til.

Dette giver os to muligheder:

1. Hvis Helvede øges ved en langsommere hastighed end med den, antallet af sjæle i Helvede øges, så vil temperaturen og trykket øges, indtil Helvede bryder løs.

2. Hvis Helvede øges med en større hastighed end den, hvormed antallet af sjæle i Helvede øges, så vil temperaturen og trykket falde indtil Helvede fryser til.

Hvilken mulighed er det så?

Hvis vi accepterer det som Teresa sagde til mig i løbet af mit første år som studerende, at "det ville blive en kold dag i Helvede før jeg går i seng med dig", og regner det faktum med, at jeg var i seng med hende i går nat, så må det være nr. 2 der er sandt, og på den måde er jeg sikker på at Helvede er eksotermisk og allerede frosset til.

Det logiske resultat af denne teori er, at siden Helvede er frosset til, modtages der ikke flere sjæle, og Helvede er derfor udslettet. Dette efterlader kun Himlen, og forklarer derved en guddommelig eksistens, hvilket igen forklarer hvorfor Teresa blev ved med at jamre og råbe "Åh Gud!".

Denne studerende fik det eneste 13-tal.

Hvad gør man med sylte der fryser?
Man tager syltetøj på.

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy´s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy´s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn´t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn´t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven´t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy´s mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

BR

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees !

What powerful rivers !

What beautiful animals he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick him self up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!....”

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As the bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, an credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “ It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the bear a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out.

The sound of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty though Christ our Lord, Amen”

http://www.geocities.com/donaldjhagen/humoroustest...

;)