Snak

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Dundee with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you´ve got there-are they twins?"
The woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren´t! The oldest, he´s 9 and the younger one, she´s 7. Why the hell would you think they´re twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya
dickead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can´t believe anyone would shag you twice!"

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband´s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband´s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer´s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can´t tell which your husband´s is."
"That´s dreadful! Can´t you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don´t sleep with him.”

BR

En hysterisk skæg svensk tegning:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/55...

Med titlen "“SÅ HÄR GÖR JAG MED MINA FINGRAR EFTER ATT DEN SMUTSIGE JUDEN SKAKAT DEN”

Specielsmag, tore...

Two blonds were riding up an elevator. Long before reaching their floor, the elevator stopped and this really great looking guy got on.
He smiled at the blonds, and reached over and hit the button for the next floor. Then he stood and admired the scenery while the elevator went up. When the door opened behind him, he smiled at the blondes, turned and went out the door. When he turned to leave, the blonds saw a large number of dandruff flakes down his back.
The first blond turned to the second blond and said, " Eewweue!"
The second blond said," Thats o.k. If I can get him home, I´ll give him Head & Shoulders."
The first blond asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

-

Hvorfor er det hurtigere at lave en snemand end en snedame??

Fordi man ikke behøver at udhule hovedet:)

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

-

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager´s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo´s all over the factory floor and they´re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo´s.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo´s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I´m sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles!


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A Pentecostal Minister was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to Dublin, Ireland.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a rum & coke, which was poured and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Pentecostal Minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I´d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
Me too, I didn´t know we had a choice."

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