Snak

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren

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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

BR

Haha! Jeg sad og fumlede med det ord i flere minutter før "Fuck you asian" kom frem ! klasse! Weltklasse!

hvad er ligheden mellem kvinder og fliser????

hvis du ligger dem rigtigt ned første gang kan du træde på dem resten af livet.......

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You´ve got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
"Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer´s broken."

A boy and his mother are watching a Discovery channel program about elephants. He asks his mom, "Hey, mom... what is that thing?"

She replies, "That´s the elephant´s trunk."

"No, not that," says the boy, "that thing right there."

"That´s his tail," she answered.

"No, what is that thing... right in the middle?"

Flustered, the mother says, "Ummm, that´s... that´s nothing, son."

So the boy´s mother quickly leaves the room and his dad walks in. The boy asks his dad, "Hey pop, what´s that thing?"

His father answers, "Son, that´s the elephant´s penis."

The boy looks at his old man with a puzzled look and asks, "Well, why did mom say it was nothing?"

His father turned to him and said, "Because your mother is spoiled, son."

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee´s home phone number and was greeted with a child´s whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee´s home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he´s busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME

BR

Jeff and Dale, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat´s provisions, Jeff stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Jeff immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into The Worlds Best beer. The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Dale looked disgustedly at Jeff whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Dale said, "Nice going Jeff! Now we´re going to have to piss in the boat."

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The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn´t gone too far when my wife´s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That´s once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That´s twice."
"We hadn´t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What´s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That´s once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

BR

Håber disse vittigheder er nogle i kan more jer lidt over herinde ;o)

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BURKA NYT...

Fordelene ved dagplejemødre i burka:

* Børnene hat et godt sted at skjule sig, når de leger gemme.

* De små bliver ikke bange for dagplejemoderen, når hun har sprunget morgenbarberingen over.

* Dagplejemoderen har altid en gylpeklud ved hånden, hvis der skulle komme et lille bøvs.

* Ungerne vil være henrygte, når deres dagplejemoder optræder som Sorte Slyngel.

*Børnene vil aldrig opdage, når der er vikar på.

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Hvorfor man muslimske kvinder aldrig blive til friske, frække og småperverse elskerinder...?

Fordi de ikke må ta´ svinet i munden...

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Bonden og hans kone lå i sengen og læste. Pludselig kigger han op fra bladet og siger:
"Vidste du godt, at menneskene er de eneste, hvor også hunkønnet kan få orgasme?"
Konen ser lystigt på ham og siger:
"Åh, er det sandt? Bevis det!"
Han tænker sig om, rejser sig og går ud.
En time senere kommer han svedigt tilbage og siger:
"Jeg er helt sikker på, at koen og fåret ikke får orgasme, men sådan som den gris skriger er jeg lidt i tvivl..."

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Tømreren på 3. sal havde glemt sin sav på 1. sal.
Han prøvede og råbe til kollegaen på 1. sal - men afstanden var for stor.
Han mimede at han skulle bruge saven.
Han pegede på sig selv (JEG)
Kneb benene sammen og vred sig (TRÆNGER)
Bevægede armene frem og tilbage (SAV)
Tømreren på 1. sal begyndte at onanere.
Tømreren fra 3. sal blev tosset og sprang ned og råbte:
"For fanden hvor er du dum. Jeg mangler jo bare saven"
Kollegaen svarede:
"Ja ja, det ved jeg, jeg prøvede bare at sige at jeg kommer"

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En tyrker er blevet fundet druknet i dammen i Ishøj, med 25 meter jernlænker om sig...
Utroligt at de skal stjæle mere, end de kan bære...

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En neger har fået kørekort til motorcykel. For at fejre det tager han en tur på motorvejen. Da han når 150 km/t bliver det sort for hans øjne og han vælter.
Efter en tur på skadestuen prøver han igen, med samme resultat. Han tager afsted endnu en gang, men med sin ven kørende ved siden af i bil. Samme resultat. Da han vågner på skadestuen, siger hans kammerat:
"Den er god nok! Når du kommer op på 150 km/t flyver din overlæbe op foran øjnene!!"

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Bjarne Riis og Anne Dorthe Tanderup var på hotel.
De mødte Morten Frost.
Bjarne slog hovedet og måtte ind at ligge med is på panden.
Anne Dorthe Tanderup endte i sengen med Morten Frost.
Pludselig fik hun et grineflip.
"Hvad er der galt?" Spurgte Morten Frost
"Jo, nu ligger Bjarne derinde med is på issen, og jeg ligger her med frost i fissen...."

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