Snak

...Det var OB-fan, en Brøndby-fan, en FCK-fan og en AaB-fan. De stod ved en klippe, OB-fanen sagde: jeg gør det for mit hold, og så hoppede han ud. Så sagde FCK-fanen: jeg gør det for mit hold og så hoppede han ud. Så sagde AaB-fanen jeg gør det for mit hold og så skubbede han Brøndby- fanen ud over kanten......

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor´s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You´re not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I´m actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ´You died in your sleep, Ralph.´
Ralph was stunned. ´I´m dead? No, I can´t be! I´ve got too much to live for. Send me back!´
St. Peter said, ´I´m sorry, but there´s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.´
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. ´So, you´re the new hen, huh? How´s your first day here?´
´Not bad,´ replied Ralph the hen, ´but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I´m gonna explode!´
´You´re ovulating,´ explained the rooster. ´Don ´t tell me you´ve never laid an egg before?´
´Never,´ said Ralph.
´Well, just relax and let it happen,´ says the rooster. ´It´s no big deal.´
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
´Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You´re shitting in the bed!´

-

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer´s field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I´m going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, This is my property, and you´re not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied, "I´m one of the best trial lawyers in the United States - and if you don´t let me get my duck, I´ll sue you and take everything you own!"
The farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don´t know how we settle disputes here in Tennessee. We settle disagreements with the ´Three Kick Rule´. When the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, then you kick me three times and so on until some one gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by local custom.
The old farmers´ first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyers groin, dropping him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyers last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on his knees when the farmers third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his energy and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, you old fart. Now it´s my turn."
The farmer said, "Nah, I give up. You keep the duck."

BR

HAHAHA Beer Hunter. Great stuff

A Greek family was considering putting their aged grandfather in a nursing
home.
Unfortunately, all the Orthodox facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their Pappou.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It´s wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We´re so Happy for you. We were worried that This was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There´s a musician here - he´s 85 years Old. He hasn´t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".
"There is a judge in here - he´s 95 years Old. He hasn´t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honour".
"And there´s a physician here that is 90 years Old. He hasn´t practiced
medicine for 35 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor".
"And me, I haven´t had sex for 40 years and they still call me ´The Fucking Greek".

BR

Blonde´s car breaks down and has to be taken to the garage.
She asks the mechanic if it is anything serious.
´No´ he replies ´just shit in the air filter´
´How often?´ she asks.

BR

A priest kept chickens at his village parish.
One evening the cock went missing.
At mass the priest asked "Who has a cock?" and all the men got up.
"No I meant who has seen a cock?" and all the women stood up.
"No no I meant who has seen a cock that isn´t their´s?" and half the women stood up.
"Oh for goodness sake I meant who has seen my cock?" and all the choir boys stood up!!

-

A zookeeper said to a country boy "My female gorrilla is on heat and is going crazy. I need someone to have sex with her so that she´ll quieten down. Will you do it for 500?"

The country boy said I will on three conditions:

1. I don´t have to kiss her

2. You don´t tell my familly

3. You give me a couple of weeks to get the money together

-

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty-five years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time´s sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

There´s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I´ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I´ll just keep an eye on them so there´s no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn´t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I´ve got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must´ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty-five years ago that wasn´t an electric fence."

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