Snak

Hansen skulle i banken for at ordne nogle pengesager. Han havde imidlertid det problem, at han var døvstum. Så da han henvendte sig ved lugen, prøvede han med bedste overbevisning at fægte med armene, så kassereren kunne forstå, hvad han ville.
Da dette ikke lykkedes, tager han et kondom op af den ene lomme og en chokoladefrø op af den anden - putter frøen ned i kondomet, og vifter med det.
Da bliver det for meget for fru Jørgensen bag lugen. Hun henvender sig til bankdirektøren og fortæller, at der står en nar med et kondom med en chokoladefrø i.
Bnkdirektøren: "Ahh, det er bare Hansen, der vil have et overtræk på en tusse"!

en lidt tyndbenet vits:

Manden:"Kan du lide pickles?"
Damen:"Ja! Men jeg hedder ikke Lis"

god en....


her kommer en anden

Det var manden der gerne ville tabe sig, så han gik til en slankeklinik. Der fik han at vide, at der var 3 måder, hvorpå han kunne tabe sig.
En hvor han ville tabe sig 10 kg og som kostede 1.000 kr.
En hvor han ville tabe sig 20 kg og som kostede 2.000 kr.
Og endelig en hvor han ville tabe sig 30 kg og som kostede 3.000 kr.
Manden ville gerne prøve den til 1.000 kr., hvorpå han fik at vide, at
han skulle gå ind i rum nr. 1. Da han kom ind, sad der en smuk slank dame med et skilt, hvorpå der stod: "når du fanger mig, må du bolle mig!"
Og så kunne det nok være, at manden begyndte at løbe efter hende - og efter
lang tid fangede han hende da også, hvor han så fik lov at bolle hende. Da han bagefter blev vejet, havde han godt nok tabt sig de 10 kg, hvorefter manden så tænkte, at det vel nok var en rar måde at tabe sig på, så det ville han prøve igen.
Han bad om, at prøve rum nr. 2, hvor han kunne tabe sig 20 kg for 2.000 kr. Da han kom ind i rummet, sad der den mest sporty, flotte super model, og hun havde også et skilt, hvorpå der stod: "når du fanger mig, må du bolle mig". Så han løb og løb, og langt om længe fangede han hende og bollede hende.
Det var for godt til at være sandt. Så manden ville prøve rum nr. 3
også, hvor han kunne tabe sig 30 kg for 3.000 kr. Da han kom derind, stod der en stor gorilla med et skilt hvorpå der stod: "Når jeg fanger dig, må jeg bolle dig!"

Jeg blev fucking smidt ud af Fakta idag fordi jeg rendte rundt med dilleren fremme i fri luft.

Jeg håbede jo bare på at den blev lidt længere...

Dybt inde i Amazonlandets jungle finder den opdagelsesrejsende sig pludseligt omringet af en flok sultne kannibaler. Da han indser, hvilken situation han befinder sig i, siger han stille til sig selv: ”åh Gud, jeg er på røven.”

Et lysglimt hamrer ned fra himlen og en dyb stemme buldrer: ”Nej, du er ikke på røven. Tag den sten der ligger lige for dine fødder og bank den i hovedet på deres høvding, der står to meter fra dig.”

Den opdagelsesrejsende tager stenen og banker den gentagne gange i hovedet på høvdingen. Omringet af chokerede kannibaler, står han nu med tungt åndedræt og kigger ned på høvdingens livløse krop.

Stemmen buldrer igen: ”Sådan! Nu er du på røven!”

En portugiser åbner en filial af sin sømfabrik i Rom. Som reklame laver han et skilt med en kristusfigur, som er sømmet til korset og nedenunder skrev han: Garcia Søm - 2000 års garanti. Der blev stor opstandelse. Roms ærkebiskop mødte personligt op for at få en snak med portugiseren for at forklare, at sådan noget kan man ikke gøre. Portugiseren besluttede at lave et nyt skilt.Han malede Kristus med en af hænderne sømmet til korset og den anden hånd vinkende. Nedenunder skrev han: Gæt til hvilken hånd, der er brugt Garcia Søm?
ÅH´ min gud!!! Selv paven kom for at tale med portugiseren. - "De må ikke bruge Jesus kristus som reklame". "Find på noget andet"... - Så må jeg lave et nyt reklameskilt, tænkte portugiseren. Han satte et foto af et tomt kors på skiltet og nedenunder skrev han: Hvis der havde været brugt Garcia Søm, var fyren ikke stukket af....


BRF

Customer Service

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re- booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I´ll be happy to try to help you, but, I´ve got to help these folks first, and I´m sure we´ll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, I´m sorry sir, you´ll have to get in line for that too.

Ved du hvorfor man ikke kan få Koranen på CD?


Fordi der ikke er nogen der tør brænde den!!!!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we´re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That´s obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we´ll put them in the cage with my parrots Francis and Job. They can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest´s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we´re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Jeg har noget med papegøjer i dag...


This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he´d like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn´t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I´m a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" The guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I´ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can´t see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can´t you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" He says, "I can´t afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

"Nobody wants me cause I don´t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He´s funny, he´s interesting, he´s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don´t know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it´s about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" Asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don´t know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."