Snak

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn´t run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain´t empty."

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It´s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I´d locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

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Det kan godt være det bare er copy-paste (sådan kan man i øvrigt komme langt i sin karriere), men det er ikke desto mindre glimrende arbejde, min gode mand.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don´t they?!

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A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, ´If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!´
The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says ´If the Preacher will stay on here, I´ll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!´
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ´If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!´
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her ´Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?´
Sadie´s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies ´Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said ´Screw the Preacher!´

BR

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let´s do it! We´ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can´t take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can´t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ´Well babe, Merry Christmas! It´s a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said "Take a sweater."

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Rune havde lige set endnu en pornofilm, og blev vildt imponeret over den sorte hovedpersons udstyr.
Han ringede til Matias...

- Hej Matias, jeg har lige set en film med en neger, der har sådan en tissemand, som jeg altid har drømt om - hvad kan jeg gøre?

- Såre simpelt, svarede Matias, du skal bare binde et to-kilos lod i fyren, og lade det sidde i ca. 14 dage, det hjælper helt sikkert.

Ca. en uge efter mødtes Rune og Matias på et internetforum.

- Hvad så, Rune, hvordan går det med "den-du-ved"?

- Tak for dit gode råd, Matias, det går rigtig, rigtig godt - den er allerede ved at blive sort....


(En hver lighed med fiktive, virkelige, afdøde eller nulevende personer er fuldstændig tilfældig og aldeles utilsigtet)

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gammel - men god :o)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01erg_fso0Y

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ´Let´s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.´

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, ´What would you say is my best feature?´

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ´It´s got to be your ears.´

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ´My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?´

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... ´Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... "well that was me."