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Lille programmeringsjoke:
God is REAL...unless explicitly declared INTEGER

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Programming today is a race between software engineers stirring to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning

Ka´ du fysik:

"Wave if you´ve met Schrodinger!"

"A policeman pulls Werner Heisenberg over on the autobahn for speeding.
Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were going
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am."

"— I think I´ve lost an electron.
— Are you sure
— Yeah, I´m positive."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don´t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
"Go get your mother."

BR

Little Johnny´s neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately the baby, was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny´s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny´s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby´s missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said," What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes, the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision "
"That´s great," said little Johnny, "cuz he´d be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses."

BR

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you´ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won´t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You´re going to be okay, you´ll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I´m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You´ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn´t come cheap. It´s $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it´s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it´s something you´d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it´s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We´re getting a new kitchen."

BR

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I´ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we´re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that´s completely natural. I don´t see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

BR

After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy´s shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him. You know, ´In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.´"

BR

Fryser du?
- Så gå over i hjørnet der er 90 grader..

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn´t seem to get enough lovin´. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their ´nooner´: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn´t getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. ´Homer,´ said the doctor, ´just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you´re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene´s signal to come out to you. Then you won´t lose any field time.´
They tried Doc´s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor´s office. ´What´s wrong?´ asked the Doc.
´Didn´t my idea work?´
´Oh, it worked good,´ said Homer. ´whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene´d come runnin´. We´d fina a secluded place, make love, and then she´d go back home again.´ ´Good, Homer.
So what´s the problem?´ asked the Doc.
´Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain´t seen her since huntin´ season started´

BR