Snak

There was a big fight at the Ino bar in the little town of Ino in northern Wisconsin the other night. It was the second Saturday of deer hunting season and an old man who had been sitting quietly at the crowded bar, suddenly spoke up loudly.
"I just got back from Minnesota" he said "It was the worst trip ever."
"What was wrong?" his buddy asked.
"I couldn´t even get a blow job."
"What?"
"I couldn´t even get a blow job in Minnesota"
"Why not?"
"´Cause all of the cock suckers from Minnesota are over here hunting!"
Thats when all hell broke loose.

BR

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won´t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol´ Blue how to talk!"
"That´s amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol´ Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I´ll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how´s Ol´ Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he´s talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won´t believe this they´ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I´ll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where´s Ol´ Blue? I just can´t wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol´ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ´So, is your daddy still messing´ around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
I sure did, Dad!"
"That´s my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

BR

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn´t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I´ll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
" Couple of minutes ago."

BR

Voldborg er død - fordi han ikke kunne få vejret.

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I´ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don´t you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"DAMN IT

BR

En blondine og hendes mand sad og hørte radio. Speakeren sagde:

- Vi forventer mellem 20 og 30 cm sne i nat, så alle bedes parkere deres biler på den side af vejen med ulige numre, så sneploven kan komme til. Blondinen gik ud og flyttede bilen. En uge senere skete det igen:

- Der forventes 25 cm sne i nat, så alle bedes parkere deres biler på den side af vejen med lige numre, Så sneploven kan komme til Blondinen gik ud og flyttede bilen. Tre dage senere var den gal igen:

- Der forventes en voldsom snestorm med op til 40 cm sne, så alle bedes....

Strømmen gik, og blondinen vidste nu ikke hvad hun skulle gøre.

- Ved du hvad? Sagde hendes mand. - Denne gang synes jeg , at du bare skal lade bilen stå i garagen.....

BR

Dick Cheney is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and the last item is, sir, five Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God, those poor souls".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it´s terrible, but I´ve never seen you so upset. What´s the matter?"

Bush looks up and says "How many is a ´Brazilian´?"

BR

Det er på tide vi får en "ånd" vittighed.

Det var en mand kaldet Arne Frandsen som fandt en flaske. I flasken var der en Alfons Åberg lignende Ånd som sagde: Du troede du skulle ha øl, men istedet har du befriet mig! Du skal få tre ønsker, men for at gøre det lidt tricky får din nabo det dobbelte.

"Fint" sagde Arne.
jeg ønsker mig en stor flot og ny Mercedes. Blink - Arne fik en, Naboen fik 2.
Så ønsker jeg mig en milliard gode danske kroner. Blink - Arne fik en, naboen to.

Så til sidst ønskede han at blive halvt slået til døde og begravet halvt i lort. Blink. Naboen blev banket ihjel af et par rockere fra Køge og begravet i kvalitets gødning fra Palle Hansens grisefarm!

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women, and loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillancecameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people´s carts when they weren´t looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women´s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M´s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he´d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can´t you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT´S THOSE VOICES AGAIN !"

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There´s no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Walmart

-

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I´ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I´m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence...

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, " Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I´m a lesbian..."