Snak

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia
´Aha!´ mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. ´Aha!´ said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, ´How does that feel now?´
The midget replied, ´Perfect Doc, and I didn´t even feel it. What did you do?´
The doctor replied ´I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.´

BR

UDENRIGSK
Den østrigske befolkning er større end hidtil antaget, viser en ny opgørelse fra landets folketællingsinstitut:

»Indtil for nylig troede vi kun, at der boede 8,2 millioner mennesker i Østrig, men en grundig gennemgang af kældre, udhuse og garager tyder på, at befolkningstallet er langt højere«, siger Flora von Tiefenböck fra Österreichisches Bevölkerungsinstitut i Wien.

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn´t have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What´s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don´t know, but I´ve never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let´s have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what´s wrong with that group ahead of us? They´re rather slow, aren´t they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That´s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That´s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I´m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there´s anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can´t they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain´t broke, don´t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain´t broke, it doesn´t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I´ll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I´ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I´ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I´ve told you I´m a beautiful princess and that I´ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won´t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I´m an engineer. I don´t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that´s cool."

-

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON´T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M´s in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she´d be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

BR

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
´Wal-Mart?´ the preacher exclaimed.
´Why Wal-Mart?´
´Then I´ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.´

BR

John Terry is considering a move to West Ham, because he cant stop signing ´im forever blowing doubles´

In Austria,Joseph Fritzl is to face the Death Penalty..........


Trouble is John Terry is taking it.

In an after match interview with Rio Ferdinand a reporter asked Rio why he is carrying a chocolate orange around with him..

Rio - "This chocolate orange is like the Champions League cup"

Reporter - "In what way?"

Rio - "Cause its mine not Terry´s"

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

BR

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There´s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma´am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I´d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there´s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what´s in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of ´em pays up!"

-

Last week was my birthday and I didn´t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ´Happy Birthday!´, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ´ Happy Birthday.´
I thought... Well, that´s marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn´t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ´Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ´
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o´clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, ´You know, It´s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.´
I said, ´Thanks, Jane, that´s the greatest thing I´ve heard all day. Let´s go !´
We went to lunch. But we didn´t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, ´You know, It´s such a beautiful day... We don´t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?´
I responded, ´I guess not. What do you have in mind ?´
She said, ´Let´s drop by my apartment, it´s just around the corner.´
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ´ Boss, if you don´t mind, I´m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I´ll be right back.´
´Ok.´ I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ´Happy Birthday´.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

BR

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ´What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, ´It won´t do anything for his condition, but it´ll keep the sheets off his legs..

BR