Snak

Sir Alex Ferguson er meget nysgerrig efter at vide, hvordan det lykkedes Arsenal at vinde både mesterskabet og FA-cuppen sidste år, så han beslutter sig til at besøge Arsene Wenger i London for at se, hvordan han træner sit hold.
Han er dog ikke særligt imponeret over træningsøvelserne, så han spørger Wenger, hvad han gør for at holde spillerne på toppen.
"Det er meget simpelt. Nogle gange stiller jeg mine spillere et svært spørgsmål, og på den måde holder de sig mentalt på topppen."
Selvfølgelig vil Sir Alex gerne se et eksempel på dette, så Wenger kalder Bergkamp over til sidelinjen og spørger ham:
"Dennis, han er ikke din bror, men han er alligevel din fars søn. Hvem er han?"
"Det er da overhovedet ikke svært," svarer Bergkamp øjeblikkeligt. "Det er selvfølgelig mig!"
"Der kan du se," siger Wenger til Sir Alex. "Sådan holder man dem på toppen."
Sir Alex, der også godt kunne tænke sig at vinde The Double, beslutter sig til at prøve træningsmetoden i Manchester United næste dag.
Han kalder David Beckham over til sidelinjen.
"David, jeg har et spørgsmål til dig: Han er ikke din bror, men han er alligevel din fars søn. Hvem er han?”
”Du gode gud,” svarer Beckham. ”Det er et svært spørgsmål! Må jeg tænke over det til i morgen, og hvorfor stiller du mig sådan et spørgsmål?”
Sir Alex forklarer, at det har at gøre med et kontinentalt træningstrick, og han går med til at give Beckham en frist til dagen efter.
Samme aften beslutter Beckham sig for at ringe til Jaap Stam. Han har spillet på kontinentet, så han kender måske til disse kontinentale træningstricks.
”Jaap, måske kan du hjælpe mig med det her spørgsmål. Han er ikke din bror, men alligevel din fars søn. Hvem er han?”
”Det er da nemt. Det er jo mig!” svarer Jaap Stam.
Næste dag til træningen går David Beckham selvsikker over til Sir Alex.
”Nå, David kan du nu svare på mit spørgsmål?”
”Ja, det er faktisk meget nemt,” svarer Beckham. ”Er det ikke Jaap Stam?”
”Nej, nej, selvfølgelig ikke din dumrian” svarer Sir Alex. ”Det er Dennis Bergkamp!”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, ´What are you doing?´
She answers, ´I´m moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.´
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I´m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

BR

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ´Ester, I´d like to ride in that helicopter.

´Esther always replied, ´I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars´

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ´Esther, I´m 85 years old. If I don´t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.´

To this, Esther replied, ´Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.´

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ´Folks I´ll make you a deal. I´ll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won´t charge you!
But if you say one word, it´s fifty dollars.´

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ´By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn´t. I´m impressed!´

Morris replied, ´Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!´

BR

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What´s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What´s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What´s the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What´s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X´s on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it´s worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between ´ooooooh´and ´aaaaaaah´?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What´s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It´s not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What´s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What´s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don´t have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don´t have balls to scratch!

-

Hvilket dyr samler Flasker?
- Panteren.... Silence!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The brunette took the radiator, the redhead took the seat, and the blonde took the door.
After a while of walking the redhead asked the brunette "I´m confused, why did you bring the radiator?"
The brunette responded, "If I get thirsty,I can drink the fluid."
Next the blonde asked the redhead "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the redhead said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the brunette asked the blonde why she had chosen the door.
The blonde quickly responded to this question, "Well, when I get hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

BR

Heh, øljæger, den findes jo i en ganske kort, dansk udgave:

Hvorfor tager tosser/århusianere/[…] altid en dør med ud i ørkenen?

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day´s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn´t get out of her room.
"You can´t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ´Do Not Disturb´!"

BR

Escaped Convict.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
_________________

------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, ´you´ve all got one
minute to get out!´
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, ´You cunt!´
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are women like clouds? Eventually they fuck off and its a really
nice day.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, ´Can I please have a
KitKat Chunky?´
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
him.
´No,´ says the man, ´I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.´
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these
mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when
I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old Zimbabwean orphan, has to ride 7
miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and
no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we´ll send you the
video, it´s fucking hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate ´My mother-in-law is an angel´.
His dude replies ´You´re so fucking lucky... Mine is still alive...´
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; ´Fuck off, you won´t bring it back.´
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts
over 10 minutes.
´Crikey mate, that was impressive!´
´I get lots of practice´ replied the other guy. ´My wifes epileptic´