Snak

Jeg havde opfordret min mand til at tage sin del af husarbejdet, og derfor stod han nu i vaskerummet og ville vaske sin t-shirt. Han havde været derude i cirka to sekunder, da han råbte: "Hvilket program skal jeg bruge?"
"Det kommer lidt an på," svarede jeg, "hvad står der på t-shirten?"
"Manchester United" svarede han.
Og de siger at blondiner er dumme...
-----------------------------------------------

Et par ligger i sengen. Manden siger:
´Jeg skal gøre dig til verdens lykkeligste kvinde!´
Hun svarer: ´Jeg kommer til at savne dig...´
-----------------------------------------------
´Det er alt for varmt til at have tøj på i dag´ siger Erik, idet han kommer ud af badet, ´Skat, hvad tror du naboerne ville tænke, hvis jeg slog græsset nøgen?´
´At jeg tog dig for pengenes skyld´, svarer hun...
-----------------------------------------------

Q: Hvad kalder man en intelligent, lækker og følsom mand?
A: Et rygte...
-----------------------------------------------
* Kære Gud,
Jeg beder om visdom til at forstå min mand, kærlighed til at tilgive ham, og tålmodighed til at tåle hans skiftende humør. For du ved, Gud, at hvis jeg beder om styrke, kommer jeg til at slå ham ihjel!
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
-
Q: Hvorfor klynker små drenge?
A: De træner til at blive mænd.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: Hva betyder det når der ligger en mand i din seng og gisper efter luft og siger dit navn?
A: Du holdt ikke puden længe nok.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: Hvordan undgår du at din mand læser dine mails?
A: Du ændrer ´Indbakke´ til ´Brugsansvisning´
-----------------------------------------------

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, ´I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.´
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, ´You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
´You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
´Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.´ God turned to the one man, ´How did you manage to be the only one in this line?´

The man replied, ´My wife told me to stand here.´

BR

"The man replied, ´My wife told me to stand here.´ "

Hehe! Vi er nogle undertrykte stakler!

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don´t think you can pay for it. " The guy says, "You´re right. I don´t have any money, but if I show you something you haven´t seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain´t risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You´re right. I´ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It´s a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .

BR

-Why was the blond girl sitting on the roof of the bar?
-She had heard that drinks were on the house...

En kvinde kommer hjem og fortæller sin gemal, "Kan du huske alle de hovedpiner jeg har haft alle disse år? De er væk!"

"Ikke flere hovedpiner?" Spørger manden.

"Hvad er der sket?"

Hans kone svarer, "Marie fortalte mig om en hypnotisør, og han sagde at jeg skulle stå foran et spejl, stirre på mig selv og gentage,
"Jeg har ikke hovedpine"
"Jeg har ikke hovedpine"
"Jeg har ikke hovedpine"
Og det virkede, alle hovedpinerne er forsvundet"
"Åh, det er vidunderligt" udbryder hendes mand.
Hans kone siger så, "Du ved, at du ikke præcist har været nogen tyr I sengen de sidste år, hvorfor prøver du ikke at gå til hypnotisøren, for at se om han kan gøre noget?"
Tøvende siger manden ja, til at prøve det.

Efter hans konsultation, kommer manden hjem, flår tøjet af, griber sin kone og bærer hende ind I soveværelset. Han lægger hende på sengen og siger "Rør dig ikke, jeg er straks tilbage."

Han går ud på badeværelset og efter et par minutter kommer han tilbage, hopper I seng og elsker hedt med sin kone, som hun aldrig er blevet elsket før.

Hans kone siger "WOW, det var vidunderligt!"
Manden siger "Rør dig ikke, jeg er straks tilbage."

Han går igen ud på badeværelset og runde to var meget bedre end den første.

Konen sætter sig op helt forvirret og udbrydet "Du gode GUD!"

Manden siger igen "Rør dig ikke, jeg er straks tilbage."
Og igen går han tilbage til badeværelset.
Denne gang følger konen efter ham ganske stille, og hun ser ham stå foran spejlet og sige:

"Hun er ikke min kone!"
"Hun er ikke min kone!"
"Hun er ikke min kone!"

Hans begravelse finder sted næste lørdag klokken 13:00.

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,´Dad, what´s love juice?´
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, ´So what were you watchin´?´
Billy says, ´Wimbledon.´

BR

Hahahaha

@ beer hunter

HÆHÆ

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she´s a little depressed and asks her what´s wrong.
"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ´´slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"

The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"