Snak

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
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> Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife´s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn´t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
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> They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ´Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.´
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> The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ´Why, nothing,´ Peter replied, ´remember, this is your reward in Heaven..´ The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. ´What are the greens fees?,´ grumbled the old man. ´This is heaven,´ St. Peter replied. ´You can play for free, every day.´
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> Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. ´ Don ´t even ask,´ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.´ The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. ´Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,´ he asked. That´s the best part,´ St. Peter replied. ´You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!´
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> The old man pushed, ´No gym to work out at?´ ´Not unless you want to,´ was the answer. ´No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....´ ´Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.´
> The old man glared at his wife and said, ´You and your f...ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!´

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ´Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.´ ´Yes´, she says, ´I remember it well.´ ´OK,´ he says, ´How
about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time´s
sake?´ ´Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!´

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I´ve got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I´ll just keep an eye on them
so there´s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn´t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I´ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,´Excuse me, but that was something else. You must´ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?´ Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ´Fifty years ago that wasn´t an electric
fence.´

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ´Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

´No, no,´ he said, ´that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?´

All the women stood up.

´No, no,´ he said, ´that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn´ t belong to them?´

Half the women stood up.

´No, no,´ he said, ´that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?´

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.

I once took a sex-education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.
The professor arrived and said we´d be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another student, there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn´t make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn´t going to answer.
Finally she said, "Only one, sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
From the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!

BR

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ´Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.´
The Rabbi asked, ´What´s wrong?´
The man replied, ´My wife is poisoning me.´
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ´How can that be?´
The man then pleads, ´I´m telling you, I´m certain she´s poisoning me, what should I do?´
The Rabbi then offers, ´Tell you what. Let me talk toher, I´ll see what I can find out and I´ll let you know.´
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, ´Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?´
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,´Take the poison..´

BR

En mand taler i telefon med lægen.

- "Jeg har en dårlig nyhed og en endnu dårligere nyhed."
- "Hvad er den dårlige nyhed?"
- "Du har 24 timer tilbage at leve i."
- "Og den endnu dårligere...?"
- "Jeg glemte at ringe i går."

Er ret vild med denne her:

Borgmesterens søn: "Far, jeg skal skrive en opgave til skolen. Må jeg spørge dig
om noget?"

"Selvfølgelig, min dreng, spørg løs!"

"Hvad er politik, far?"

"Tja.. i politik findes der:"

1) Befolkningen
2) Regeringen
3) Den økonomiske magt
4) Arbejderklassen
5) Landets fremtid

"Det forstår jeg ikke, far. Vil du forklare det for mig?".

"Godt, jeg vil bruge vort hjem som eksempel. Jeg tjener pengene til den fælles husholdning, altså er jeg den økonomiske magt.

Din mor administrerer og bruger pengene: Hun er altså regeringen.
Vi tager os af dine behov: Du er altså befolkningen.
Din lillebror er landets fremtid, og hans barnepige er arbejderklassen.

Forstår du det, min søn?" "Mere eller mindre."

Om natten vågnede den lille dreng ved at lillebroderen græder. Han stod op for
at se, hvad der var galt og opdager, at broderen har skidt i bleen. Han går ind
i forældrenes soveværelse, hvor moderen sover tungt. Så går han hen til
barnepigens værelse, men gennem nøglehullet ser han faderen ovenpå barnepigen.
Eftersom de ikke reagerede på, at han banker på døren, går han tilbage til
værelset og sover videre.

Næste morgen siger drengen til faderen: "Nu tror jeg, at jeg forstår, hvad politik er." - "Glimrende, min søn! Prøv at forklar mig det med dine egne ord".

"Jeg tror, at det er sådan her: Mens den økonomiske magt fucker arbejderklassen,
snorksover regeringen. Befolkningen bliver ignoreret fuldstændig, og landets
fremtid står i lort til halsen!"

:) He he he...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ´Father, my dog is dead. Could ya´ be saying´ a mass for the poor creature?´

Father Patrick replied, ´I´m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there´s no tellin´ what they believe. Maybe they´ll do something for the creature.´

Muldoon said, ´I´ll go right away Father. Do ya´ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?´

Father Patrick exclaimed, ´Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn´t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

BR

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can´t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

´Excuse me do I know you?´ he asks.
´Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids´ she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says ´Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?´

´No´ she replies ´I´m your son´s English teacher!´

BR

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn´t put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me ´What do you think of voluntary work? I said ´I wouldn´t do it if you paid me.´

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