Snak

HAHA nogle sjove irske jokes imellem. De holder 100.

A collection of Prince Phillip´s best-remembered comments over the years:


You managed not to get eaten, then?" (To a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea)

"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." (Referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh)

"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (Amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting)

"You can´t have been here that long - you haven´t got a pot belly." (To a Briton in Budapest, Hungary)

"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." (To young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school´s steel band)

"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" (To a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland)

"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." (At the height of the recession)

"It was part of the fortunes of war. We didn´t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking `are you all right - are you sure you don´t have a ghastly problem?’ You just got on with it." (Commenting on stress counselling for servicemen)

"We don´t come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."(On Canada)

"If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (At a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting)

"Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease". (When asked if he would like to stroke a koala bear).

"Do you still throw spears at each other?" (To an Aborigine leader)

Pinocchio kommer hjem til sin far og ser trist ud.

Faderen: "Åh min søn, hvad er der dog i vejen?"
Pinocchio: "Min kæreste er ked af det fordi når vi har sex får hun splinter i fissen!"
Faderen: "Her er noget sandpapir, gå så hjem og slib den!"

Næste dag kommer Pinocchio tilbage med et stort smil...

Faderen: "Nåhh knægt, hvordan går det med kæresten?"
Pinocchio: "Med sandpapir, hvem har så brug for en kæreste!!"

Ikke så meget en vits sådan decideret, men den kan nu alligevel sagtens bringe et smil frem...


Vidste du godt at Danmarksmesteren i dart bor i Skive?
På Pilevænget....

Hassan var til lægen:
-Jeg skal steriliseres.
Lægen spørger om han nu er helt sikker på det.
Jaa,jaa, siger Hassan.
Jeg har taler med kone og famili om det. - Ok, så ordner vi det, siger lægen.
En halv time senere er Hassan steriliseret..
Han tager sit tøj på og går.
Ude på trappen til lægehuset møder han sin god ven Ümer.
Hej Ümer, hvad skal du hos lægen, spørger han.
- Jeg skal bare vaccineres.
Hassan: -Forhelvid man, det var det, det hidder.....

Fornyligt hørt over! Viborg! :

Har du set min faldskærm ? Spørger en mand på vej ned !

Næh, men har du til gengæld set min trykkoger ? Spørger en kone på vej opad !

Og så er der den om ham den ordblinde der blev dræbt, da han sprang ud med fladskærm.

Dette er så ikke lige en vittighed, men sjov er den nu alligevel.

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!

Marine Corp´s General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We´re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That´s a bit irresponsible, isn´t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don´t see why, they´ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don´t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don´t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you´re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma´am, you´re equipped to be a prostitute, but you´re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines

Lidt i samme stil:

TRUTH OR URBAN MYTH?

A few months ago, this was heard over the airwaves of Chicago. Supposedly
this happened on a morning radio show. Can you imagine sitting in traffic and listening to this? The DJs at WBAM FM have a game called "Mate Match".
They call someone at work and ask them if they are married or "attached". If the contestant answers "yes" he or she is then asked three random yet highly
personal questions. This person is also asked the phone number of their
partner for verification.

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar at WBAM. Have you ever heard of " Mate Match?

Contestant: (Laughing) Yes. I have.

DJ: Great! Then you know we are giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
you win. What is your first name?

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: Yes

DJ: Yes? Does that mean you are married or you´re what?

Brian: (Laughing nervously) Yes, I´m married.

DJ: Thankyou. Now what is your wife´s name?

Brian: Sara

DJ: Is Sara at work?

Brian: She´s gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here!

Brian: (Laughing) Yes, she´s at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian, stay with me here!

Brian: About 8 AM this morning.

DJ: Atta boy Brian.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want this trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if
a trip wasn´t at stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip would be nice.

DJ: Okay, final question. Where did you have sex?

Brian: (Laughing hard) ... I , ummmm, I, well...

DJ: This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her Mum is staying with us for a
couple of weeks...

DJ: Uh huh...

Brian: and her Mum was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great! That is more adventure than the previous hundred time
I´ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife´s work
number and call her up. You listen to this.

(3 minutes of commercials)

Clerk: Hello, Kinkos Copies

DJ: Hey, is Sara there?

Clerk: Speaking

DJ: Sara this is Edgar from WBAM FM. We are live on the air right now and
I´ve been talking to Brian for a couple of hours.

Sara: (Laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any anwers away or you´ll lose. Soooo... do you know the rules of "Mate
Match"?

Sara: No

DJ: Good!

Brian: (Laughing)

Sara: (Laughing) Brian what the hell are you up to?

Brian: Just answer the questions honestly, okay. Just be completely honest.

DJ: Yeah Yeah Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your anwers
match Brian´s, then the both of you will be of to Orlando for 5 days on us.
Disney World, Sea World, tickets to the Orlando Magic - the whole deal. Get
it, Sara?

Sara: (Laughing) Yes.

DJ: Okay, when did you last have sex, Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian... this morning, about 8 AM, before Brian went to work.

DJ: Very good. Next question - how long did it last?

Sara: 12 - 15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hmmmm. Thats close enough. I´m sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We´ve got one last question, Sara. You are only one question away
from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

Sara: (laughing) Yes

DJ: Where did you have it?

Sara: OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn´t tell them that did you?

Brian: Just tell them, honey.

DJ: What´s bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well, its just my Mum is vacationing with us and ...

DJ: Come on Sara... where did you have?

Sara: In the arse ...

After a long pause, the DJ said: Folks, we need to take a station break....



-

En mand søger uopfordret stilling som sælger i et stormagasin.
Personalechefen mener ikke, at der er nogen ledig stilling, men da
manden insisterer på at være verdens bedste sælger, får han lov til at
starte på prøve i sportsafdelingen.

Lidt op ad dagen vil personalechefen gå ned i sportsafdelingen og se,
hvordan det går med den nye sælger. På afstand ser han sælgeren
demonstrerer forretningen dyreste fiskestang for en kunde. Han gemmer
sig bag en søjle, så sælgeren ikke kan se ham, og han hører
sælgeren sige til kunden: "Og med denne fine fiskestang skal man jo
ikke bare stå indepå molen og pjatte. Næh, man skal ud på havet og
fange de store fisk."

Kunden: "Jamen, jeg har ingen båd"

Sælgeren: "Jamen, så er det jo et held, at vi netop i denne uge har
tilbud på en motorsejler med en 370 hk dieselmotor til kun 899.999,-
kr."

"Det er meget godt" siger manden, "men jeg har jo ingen havneplads, og
hvordan får jeg den i det hele taget ned til havnen?"

"Intet problem" siger sælgeren, "Vi har en første klasses trailer til
netop denne båd til kun 119.998,- kr."

Kunden: "Men mon min Skoda kan trække den?"

Sælgeren: "Det kommer nok til at knibe lidt, men netop i denne uge har
vi et kampagnetilbud på BMW 735i, som er nedsat 4%, og for kun 24.999,-
ekstra fås den med trækkrog."

Da handlen er afsluttet og kunden lidt efter kører glad af sted i sin
nye BMW med trailer og motorbåd, springer personalechefen frem og
råber:

"Tillykke! De er ansat! Det var dog fantastisk: En mand kommer ind for
at købe en fiskestang, og De sælger ham både en bil, en båd og en
trailer."

"Forkert, forkert, forkert" siger sælgeren, "Han kom ind for at købe en
pakke tampax til sin kone, og så sagde jeg:

"Så er den weekend ødelagt. Så kan du lige så godt tage ud og fiske!"