Snak

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ´Esther,I´d like to ride in that helicopter..´

Esther always replied, ´I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars´

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ´Esther, I´m 85 years old. If I don´t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.´

To this, Esther replied, ´Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.´

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ´Folks I´ll make you a deal. I´ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don´t say a word I won´t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it´s fifty dollars.´

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ´By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn´t. I´m impressed!´

Morris replied, ´Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

BR

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
´You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.´

Second Guy:
´That´s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.´

Third Guy:
´Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.´

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him, ´You haven´t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What´s the deal?´

Fourth guy:
´I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: ´Golf course or intercourse?´ She said: ´Wear sun-block

BR

Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn´t even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting th e books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an ´A´ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, ´Son , what was it? Was it the nuns?´ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. ´Well, then,´ she replied, ´Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?´ Little Zachary looked at her and said, ´On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren´t fooling around.´

BR

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ´Who Wants To Be A Millionaire´ and
towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds .

You´ve done very well so far,´ said, Chris Tarrant , the show´s
presenter, ´but for a million pounds you´ve only got one lifeline left
phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?´

´Sure,´ said Mick. ´I´ll have a go!´

´Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?´

A : Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven´t got a clue,´ said Mick, ´so I´ll use me last lifeline and
phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ´. Mick called up his mate
and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

´Fookin hell, Mick!´ cried Paddy. ´Dat´s simple.....it´s a cuckoo.´

´Are you sure?´

´I´m fookin sure.´

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , ´I´ll go wit Cuckoo as me
answer.´

´Is that your final answer?´ asked Chris

´Dat it is, Sir.´

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
´Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you´ve won 1 million pounds!´

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink.

´Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven´s name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that doesn´t build its own nest?

´Because he lives in a Fookin clock!´

BR

Den underspillede slutning er genial. Manden har lige vundet 8-10 millioner, og tager stille og roligt sin ven ned på pubben, og giver ham en drink.

I øvrigt fik det tragiske helikopter-styrt i nordsøen mig til at tænke på en gammel joke.

"Har du hørt, at der er styrtet en helikopter ned på Århus kirkegård? Indtil videre har de fundet 500 døde."

Hehe, en gammel Monrad og Rislund klassiker!

Vel nok deres bedste udgivelse til dato om Åge Brodtgårds begravelse.

ALL PUNS INTENDED....

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn´t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, ´I´ll serve you, but don´t start anything.´

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ´A beer please, and one for the road.´

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
´Does this taste funny to you ?´

7. ´Doc, I can´t stop singing ´The Green, Green Grass of Home.´´That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.´ ´Is it common ?´ ´Well, It´s Not Unusual.´

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
´I was artificially inseminated this morning.´ ´I don´t believe you,´ says
Dolly. ´It´s true; no bull!´, exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.The kids were nothing to look
at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you´ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn´t find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13 What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

14 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ´Dam !´

15 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can´t have your kayak and heat it too.

16 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, And were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office, and asked them to Disperse. ´But why,´
they asked, as they moved off. ´Because,´ he said, ´I can´t stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer.´

17 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it´s good) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

-

Kære Brevkasse,

Jeg håber du kan hjælpe mig.

Forleden dag, da jeg skulle på arbejde, sad min mand og så morgenTV som
sædvanligt. Jeg havde ikke kørt mere end få hundrede meter, da motoren
pludselig satte ud og bilen stoppede med et ryk. Jeg gik tilbage efter
hjælp fra min mand.

Da jeg kom hjem, kunne jeg ikke tro mine egne øjne: Han poserede foran
garderobespejlet, iført mine trusser, mine højhælede sko og min make-up.


Jeg er 32, min mand er 34, og vi har været gift i 12 år. Da jeg
overraskede ham, forsøgte han at forklare sig med at han havde lånt mine
trusser, fordi han ikke kunne finde sine egne. Da jeg derefter spurgte
ham om make-uppen, brød han sammen og tilstod at han havde gået med mit
tøj i 6 måneder…. Jeg bad ham holde op med det, eller jeg ville gå fra
ham!

Han var blevet fyret fra sit job for 6 måneder siden, hans depression
blev værre og værre, og han sagde også, at han følte sig totalt
værdiløs.

Jeg elsker ham højt, men siden er han blevet mere og mere fjern og jeg
føler ikke rigtigt at jeg kan komme i kontakt med ham mere.

Jeg håber du kan hjælpe mig?


Mange hilsner Fru Ensom.

___________________________________________



Kære Fru Ensom,

Der kan være mange årsager til at en motor pludselig sætter ud kort tid
efter at den er startet.

Begynd med at checke at der ikke er forstoppelse i benzintilførslen.
Hvis det er i orden, så check spændebåndene, som holder vacuumslangerne
fast på indsugningsmanifolden, de må ikke være utætte, da der vil komme
falsk luft ind. Hvis disse ting ikke løser problemet, kan det være
brændselspumpen som er defekt; den vil da levere et for lavt tryk til
karburatoren.

Jeg håber at dette hjælper.

Med venlig hilsen

Brevkassen

Beklager hvis de har været bragt tidligere :

To mænd ,Hansen og Petersen, spiller golf da et begravelsesoptog passerer forbi paa vejen ved siden af golfbanen.

Hansen tager resolut golfhuen af og afventer i stilhed at optoget passerer forbi inden han genoptager spillet.

- Det var en flot gestus , udbryder Petersen , det havde jeg godt nok ikke ventet.

- Arrgh, det manglede da bare, saa slem en svigermor var hun nu heller ikke.


En FCKer og en BIFer kommer gaaende sammen da de passerer en flot kvinde der tydeligvis er punkteret paa sin cykel og beder om hjælp.

BIFeren lader naadigt FCKeren bruge denne mulighed for at brilliere og fortsætter.
Et stykke tid efter kommer FCKeren farende med kvindens bukser i hænderne.

???

- Jamen jeg lappede cyklen og saa blev hun saa glad at hun sagde at jeg bare skulle tage hvad jeg havde brug for..
Og jeg har allerede en cykel.

Hvorefter Brøndbyfan´en fortsatte: God ide du tog bukserne - i modsætning til mig kunne du sikkert ikke have brugt hendes BH...

(Den oprindelige version findes i øvrig tidligere i tråden:-))