Snak

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I´ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don´t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain´t´ givin´ him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I´ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we´ve agreed are mine. I´ll fight ´im till I run him off or kill ´im, but I´M KEEPIN´ ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I´ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it´s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I´ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I´m certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I´m just making sure he knows I´M a bull!"

BR

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here´s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here´s $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That´s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?
"The minister exclaimed. "Louie, there´s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. "That´s impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you´d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don´t kn-kn-know ff-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-wou ld yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m -me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

BR

I´ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn´t.
-James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you´re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you´re right, shut up.
-Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife´s birthday is to forget it once....
-Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she´s wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): My wife´s an angel!
Second Guy:.You´re lucky, mine´s still alive.
-Anonymous

BR

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I´ll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

BR

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

BR

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

BR

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it´s H to O.

BR

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING!

Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips!



...and the buyer is Madonna.

Ikke en decideret vits, men hørte lige min niece spørge:

´Hvor ligger asylans-øerne´?

Helt genialt ...

2 af mine kammerater er helt hooked på det der World of Warcraft, og da jeg træder ind i lokalet idag er det første jeg høre :

"Og så har han ikke engang socket dem!"
"Jamen, jeg har også et par stykker jeg ikke har socket endnu"

(Prøv at sig det out loud, så ved i hvad jeg mener)

Det viste sig så bare at det var noget af hans "gear der manglede gems".