Snak

MasterBlaster er altså også en vittighed i seig selv:

http://www.bold.dk/snak/…tart=0&vis=

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ´ I. ´
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, ´I am.´
MILLIE: All right... ´I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.´

BR

LÆS DET PÅ EGET ANSVAR!!




Spøgelses Bæ!
- Det er den hvor man mærker bæen komme ud, og der er bæ på toiletpapiret,
men når man kigger er der ingen bæ i lokummet.


Den Rene Bæ!
- Man skider en bæ, ser den svømme i lokummet, men der er ingen bæ-rester på toiletpapiret.


Den Våde Bæ!
- Man tørrer røven mindst 50 gange, og den føles stadig våd.
Derfor lægger man toiletpapir mellem balderne og underbukserne,
for ikke at ødelægge dem med bremsespor.


Tvillinge Bæ!
- Det sker når man er færdig med at skide, man har trukket bukserne op til knæene,
og så skal man skide igen.


Presseve Bæ!
- Man presser så hårdt for at få bæen ud, at man næsten mister bevidstheden.


Isbjerg Bæ!
- Bæen er så lang, at en trediedel af den stikker op af vandet.


Hvidovrekur Bæ!
- Man skider så meget, at vægttabet er mindst 50 pund.


Træstamme Bæ!
- Man laver en bæ som er så stor, at man frygter lokummet splintres,
medmindre bæen deles op et par gange med toiletbørsten.


Fuldemands Bæ!
- Det er den bæ man laver dagen efter en ordentlig druktur.
Det mest karakteristiske med bæen er den trådlignende stribe
som efterlades på bunden af lokummet.


"Bare jeg dog kunne" Bæ!
- Man sidder på lokummet og prøver at skide,men kan ikke.
Det eneste der kommer er et par trompetlyde.


Mareridt Bæ!
- Det er den bæ der gør så ondt at skide, at man ville have væddet på,
at den kom ud sidelæns.


Dunke Bæ!
- Det er den bæ man skider så hurtigt, at røvbalderne bliver plaskvåde af toiletvand.


Sandpapir Bæ!
- Den gul/brune bæ-substans man skider, sprøjter ud som en vandballon der eksploderer,
alt imens det føles som om nogen har skoddet en cigaret i røven.


"Ud-af-kroppen-oplevelse" Bæ!
- Bæen bliver skudt ud af røven med sådan en fart, at du bliver plaskvåd hele vejen op ad ryggen, og du bliver nødt til at tørre dig med nærmeste håndklæde.
(brug eventuelt gæstehåndklædet!!).


Yoyo Bæ!
- Den bæ der er kommet halvt ud, da der træder en anden person ind på toilettet, så man må trække den tilbage for ikke at skræmme den fremmede med det store plask det gir’ når den rammer vandet.

Hehe, kan godt huske ovenstående bæ-beskrivelser. Var de ikke fra en side der hed noget i retning af www.muhaha.dk ?? Fucked up side.

http://www.youtube.com/w…ure=related

Lidt en vittighed at man som professionel fodboldspiller, kan finde på at gøre sådan noget..

At man så efterfølgende bliver Sportsdirektør i FCM kan man jo tænke lidt over

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances".
´F*cking get in there you C*nt! ´ he says to himself and goes to the bar. ´Get the f*cking Manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt´, he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. ´Can I help you sir?´ he says. ´Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your´e poxy advert in the c*nting window and I´m here to audition.........w*anker.´ The Manager is naturally put off by the man´s abrasive manner, but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, ´Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?´ That song was called "Excuse me Prime minister, but I just J*zzed in your daughter´s eye, and now the C*nts blind.....´
´Oh´ says the manager ´err, can you play me another. Something a little less "Lively". "W*nker,," Interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The Manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
´That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the Sh*tbox you get cr*p on your bell end.´ ´I see´ says the manager.. ´Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?´
´Well there´s my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there´s the epic "I don´t care if your older my dear, you´ve still got nice jugs". Look says the manager interrupting, I think you´re a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "Racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.´
´F*ck it´ says the pianist ´Why the f*ck not´. So on his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist, is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on, that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show, he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. ´Hi´ she says. ´Hello´ he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, ´Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?´.

´Know it?´ says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, "I f*cking wrote it"

BR

Apropos vittige fodboldoplevelser...

http://www.youtube.com/w…ure=related

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You´re just like Frank."
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He´s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There´s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody´s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his f***ing widow."

BR

En 16-17 årig gymnasie-elev med skizofreni, og en retskrivningsordbog som sin bedste ven, melder sig ind i KU.

En dag sidder denne gøjser så og ytrer sine indsnævrede meninger.




......Nej jeg kan sku` ikke huske den.

After Kaka´s transfer the signing of Cronaldo was inevitable, a Brazilian is always followed by an irritating cunt.