Snak

Jesus kommer vaklende gennem byen med tværbjælken til korset hængende over skuldrene.

En mand kigger undrende på ham.

- "Hvad er det, du slæber rundt på?"

- "Tja. Jeg tror, det er et kors, men du må ikke hænge mig op på det."

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O´Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O´Flaherty.

The Father said, ´Top o´ the mornin´ to ye! Aren´t ye Mrs. McGervey and didn´t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?´
She replied, ´Aye, that ye did, Father.´

The Father asked, ´And be there any wee little ones yet?´

She replied, ´No, not yet, Father.´

The Father said, ´Well now, I´m going to Rome next week and I´ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.´

She replied, ´Oh, thank ye, Father.´ They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ´Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?´
She replied, ´Oh, very well, Father!´ The Father asked, ´And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?´

She replied, ´Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!´

The Father said, ´That´s wonderful! How is yer lovin´ hoosband doing?´

She replied, ´E´s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin´ candle.

BR

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy´s an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn´t seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don´t resist, don´t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he´ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn´t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

En snegl bliver overfaldet på åben gade af 2 skildpadder. Da politiet spørger hvordan det foregik , svarer sneglen : Jeg ved det ikke, det hele gik så hurtigt !!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man´s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You´re finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that´s not a Porch, it´s a Ferrari."

Paddy and murphy are skint and want some beer, so paddy says "i know we go to the pub order 2 pints ill stick a pork sausage out of my zip, you suck it, the barman will throw us out thus getting a free drink. we can do this in every pub getting a free days drinking" so off they go to the first pub order 2 pints and start drinking, as they get to the last drop, paddy pulls the sausage from his zip, murphy sucks on it,,, the landlord sees this and throws them out. They continue this for the next 9 pubs. then Murphy says "oh be-jesus paddy can we swap my knees are killing me, paddy replies never mind your knees what about me i dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub...

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy´s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da´ sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I´ll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what´s the use of fookin´ one?"

A couple were walking their dog along the beach, the dog was having a great time running into the sea and fetching the ball that the guy was throwing for it.
After a particularly enthusiastic throw, the couple realise slowly that Rover is swimming toward them but not getting any closer.
Poor Rover is caught in a current and he can´t get back. The couple are going frantic as they watch him getting more and more tired.
A crowd of worried onlookers soon gathers, no one is doing anything and Rover´s head keeps bobbing dangerously under the water.
The guy has shouted himself hoarse and the woman is in tears by now.
Suddenly, a German tourist starts sprinting down the beach like a tornado on speed. He is flinging clothes aside as he goes and shouting "Out of my vay! Out of my vay!" in a strong commanding voice. The crowd parts to let him through and he dives like an Olympic swimmer straight into the sea.
The German then powers his way through the waves and grabs our hapless hound as the poor mutt was going down for the last time.
Then, dog under one arm, against the current our Germanic hero swims back to the shore and lays Rover down on the beach, the dog is not breathing.
The German is not done yet, he starts CPR on the dog.
After a couple of tense minutes of compressions and blowing air into the dog´s nose, Rover leaps up, coughs up a load of seawater and trots back to its elated owners. The crown cheers and the German slumps onto the sand, exhausted.
The woman comes to his side and, still fighting back tears tries to find the words to thank him. "Thank you, thank you, I don´t know what to say, how did you know how to do that?
What are you, a Vet?"
"Ya" replies the German, panting "I´m f*cking soaking!"

-

En mand kommer op til lægen.

Lægen: Du bliver nødt til at holde op med at onanere!
Manden: Hvorfor det?
Lægen: Fordi jeg skal undersøge dig!

´Of course I won´t laugh,´ said the nurse. ´I´m a professional. In over twenty years I´ve never laughed at a patient.´

´Okay then,´ said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ´man thingy´ the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn´t have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

´I am so sorry,´ she said. ´I don´t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won´t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?´

´It´s swollen,´ Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

BR