Snak

A man goes to the doctor with a large mole on the end of his penis.

After having it removed he declares "that`s the last time I`m having sex with one of those...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn´t do it while he waited, so he said he didn´t live far and would just walk home..
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can´t carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don´t you put the can of paint in the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let´s take my short cut and go down this alley. We´ll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won´t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I´m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I´ll hold the chickens."

BR

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

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A young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!......"

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ´Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?´

Maria: ´Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.´

Wife: ´Who said you iron better than me?´

Maria: ´Your husband said so.´

Wife: ´Oh.´

Maria: ´The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.´

Wife: ´Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?´

Maria: ´Your husband did.´

Wife: ´Oh.´

Maria: ´My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.´

Wife: (really furious now) ´Did my husband say that as well?´

Maria: ´No Senora...the gardener did.´

Wife: ´So how much do you want?´

BR

Hvad er ligheden mellem en pik og en mariekiks?

De bliver begge lidt slatne, hvis de ligger for længe i dåsen

@Beer Hunter

Ha ha ha

Hvordan kan det være at mange kraftigt overvægtige jobansøgere bliver vejet og fundet for lette?

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That´s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.´

BR

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and he heard a booming voice.

The Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports require reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she´s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"