Snak

Den her er lige så dårlig:

Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat´s dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve´ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven´s pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin´ yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He´s been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I´m never trying dat parrotshooting either."

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He´s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"

-

Håber at ros er tilladt, for det er i hvert fald på sin plads. Jeg er VILD med denne tråd, især Beer Hunters jokes er fede. Elsker de lange jokes, der bliver bygget godt op og hvor man vender og drejer alle detaljer i hovedet, for at prøve at regne ud hvad det sjove er. Tip top underholdning.

Hvad får man, hvis man parrer en neger, og en skildpadde ?









En lort med styrthjelm.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a ´Sniffer dog´. ´His name is Smithy and he´s the best there is. I´ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.´

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.´ He tells Smithy to ´search´.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent´s arm.

The agent says, ´Good boy´, and he turns to the man and says: ´That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I´m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.´

´Say, that´s pretty neat,´ replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent´s arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I´m making note of his seat number for the police.´ I like it!´ says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to ´search´ again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can´t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent ´What´s going on?´

The agent nervously replies, ´He just found a bomb.´

BR

Min kammerat spurgte mig om jeg så Lampards mål. Desværre overså jeg det, da jeg havde travlt med at dømme.

Skamløst stjålet fra sickipedia

@ bj0rn

Scroll ned og så vil du se at der rent faktisk ikke var mål:
http://tipsbladet.dk/nyh…ver-stregen

Apropos VM;

Hvad er ligheden mellem Sydafrika og Pippi Langstrømpe?




















De har begge en abe, der hedder Nelson

A spy has gotten the task to find a spy in a small village in Ireland. All he knows is that the spy is called Jones and the phrase he has to use to be recognised is "The moon is square tonight!". He gets to the village and walks up to a local and asks if he knows anyone called Jones. Well says the local, there´s Jones the butcher, Jones the postman and a few others. I myself is a Jones.

The spy gets his courage up and says: "The moon is square tonight!".

Ah, says the local guy, it is Jones the spy you are looking for.

Et jordisk ægtepar er ude at køre i bilen en sen aften. Pludselig kommer der er kraftigt lys og bilen går i stå. Ud af lyset kommer 2 aliens. Det viser sig at det er et alien ægtepar, og de snakker om skik og brug og har det ganske hyggeligt, det er nemlig ganske fredelige aliens.

Under snakken om skik og brug kommer det frem at aliens ofte bytter kone, i hvert fald når de er sammen med et andet par, de kommer godt ud af det med. Det jordiske ægtepar er lidt tvivlende i starten, men kommer frem til at det jo nok er noget de må prøve, om ikke andet så for at give et forhold mellem jorden og aliens en god start.

Så alien manden og jordkvinden går ind i deres værelse i rumskibet. Jordkvinden bliver lidt betænkelig, da hun ser størrelsen af alien mandens udstyr, der ærligt talt ikke er særligt stort. Alien manden beroliger hende, hvis hun rykker lidt i højre øre bliver den lidt større, rykker hun i venstre øre bliver den lidt mindre. Jordkvinden finder hurtigt ud af at justere størrelsen tilo hendes helt store fornøjelse.

Næste morgen mødes jordboægteparret og snakker om deres oplevelse. Manden siger at det var ganske dejligt, men at han ikke forstår, hvorfor alien kvinden absolut skulle hive i hans højre øre hele tiden.

The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can´t stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We´re sick and tired of each other, and I´m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they´re getting a divorce," she shouts. "I´ll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don´t do a single thing until I get there. I´m calling my brother back and we´ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don´t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, the kids will be here for Thanksgiving."

BR