Snak

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."

BR

Everyone knows the mascot for the Michelin tire company, right?
Well, what you don´t know is he´s married and has a wife. He came home one night and his wife asks: "So how was work, honey"?
He replies: "You know what I don´t really wanna talk about it cuz I´m TIRED".

BR

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What´s that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he´s in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog´s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where´s Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

BR

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper´s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he´s on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don´t think my python weally gives a thit."

BR

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

BR

It was the mailman´s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup´s bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what´s the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

BR

A nun walks into Mother Superior´s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
´What troubles you, Sister?´ asked the Mother Superior. ´I thought this was the day you spent with your family.´
´It was,´ sighed the Sister. ´And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.´
´I seem to recall that,´ the Mother Superior agreed.
´So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?´
´Far from it,´ snorted the Sister. ´In fact, I even took the Lord´s name in vain today!´
´Goodness, Sister!´ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ´You must tell me all about it!´
´Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it´s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !´
´Oh my!´ commiserated the Mother. ´How unfortunate! But surely that didn´t make you blaspheme, Sister!´
´No, that wasn´t it,´ admitted Sister. ´While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!´
´Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!´ sympathized the Mother.
´But I didn´t, Mother!´ sobbed the Sister. ´And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!´
´So that´s when you cursed,´ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
´Nope, that wasn´t it either,´ cried the Sister, anguished, ´because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!´
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..

´You missed the fucking putt, didn´t you?´

BR

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ´How many people here believe in ghosts?´

About 90 students raise their hands. ´Well, that´s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?´ About 40 students raise their hands.

´That´s really good. I´m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?´
About 15 students raise their hand. ´Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?´ Three students raise their hands.

´That´s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?´
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says ´Son, all the years I´ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You´ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.´

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ´So, Bubba, tell us what it´s like to have sex with a ghost?´

Bubba replied, ´Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

BR

Hahaha. Keep them coming.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
´I´m 90 years old,´ he says.
´90!´ replies the woman. ´Don´t you realize you´ve had it?´
´Oh, sorry,´ says the old man. ´How much do I owe you?´

BR