Snak

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time´s sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He´s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you´re doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What´s that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You´re knot hard, you´re knot in, and you´re knot getting your money back."

BR

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ´I almost had an affair with another woman.´
The priest said, ´What do you mean, almost?´
The Irishman said, ´Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.´
The priest said, ´Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You´re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary´s and put $50 in the poor box.´
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ´I saw that. You didn´t put any money in the poor box!´
The Irishman replied, ´Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that´s the same as putting it in!´

BR

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?"
"Well, it´s like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I´d have thought it would have been the last thing he´d have done."

"It was, sir."

BR

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What´s yours?" "I´ll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.." The ostrich says, "I´ll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That´s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you´ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That´s right. Whether it´s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What´s with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

BR

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I´m turning eighty tomorrow. I´ve hired a hooker for the night, and I´d love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that´ll get me up?"
The doctor smiled. "I don´t normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How´s it going?"
"Fabulous," the old man said. "I´ve cum three times already."
"That´s great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."
"Not exactly," the old man said. "She´s not here yet."

BR

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there´s a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it´s GOTTA make some noise.
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it´s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they´ve just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn´t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.

BR

Tough crowd eh, Beer Hunter?

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick´s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ´You´ll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy´.. Paddy replies, ´OK Mick, I´ll
be on my way then´. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He
falls flat on his face. ´Shoite´ he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls
flat on his face,

´Shoite,

Shoite !´

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he´ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door
and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes
a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

´Bi´Jesus.... I´m fockin´ focked,´ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He
takes a look up the stairs and says ´No fockin´ way´. He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says ´I can make it to the bed´. He takes
a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ´Fock it´ and
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, ´Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?´
Paddy says, ´I did, Jess. I was fockin´ pissed. But how´d you know?´

´Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.´

Lige en grov én fra gemmeren..

Hvad er Sri Lankas nationalsang?

S.O.S, the tiger took my mother, S.O.S - the tiger took my father. S.O.S, the tiger took my brother, S.O.S - the tiger took my family!

http://www.youtube.com/w…FTqgpQJkefo

Ved du hvorfor man ikke kan få Koranen på CD?


Fordi der ikke er nogen der tør brænde den!!!!

hahaha!