Snak

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset.
"You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots."
"Why, thats no problem," answered the doctor. "Most people like shoes better than boots."
The patient was thrilled, "Thats neat, Doc! How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"

-

Tre mænd sidder og diskuterer på den lokale bæverding.
"Et blink med øjet, det er hurtigst," siger den ene.
"Nej!"siger den anden, "lysets hastighed er det hurtigste i verden."
"Hør lige her drenge," siger den tredje, " tyndskid er klart hurtigst. Forleden havde jeg tyndskid, jeg drønede ud på toilettet, men nåede hverken at blinke med øjnene eller tænde lyset, før jeg havde skidt i mine bedste bukser..."

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ´friend of a friend´ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ´Artie´. Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn´t have any cash on hand until he could collect on his wife´s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man´s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor...

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol´ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store´s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store...

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....


´ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!´

BR

:-)

Fik mig til a tænke på en virkelig historie om en fyr ved navn James French der blev henrettet i den elektriske stol i USA.

Der var mødt nogle journalister op til henrettelsen, og han var kølig nok til selv at foreslå overskriften til morgendagens avis - "French Fries".

Fik lige den her fra en veninde på SMS :

En mand kommer hjem fra arbejde og siger til konen :
"Jeg har lige fået ny sekretær i dag, og hun går med rød og hvid BH, som er samme farve som mit yndlingshold - Ikke at det betyder noget, men det føles godt!"

Dagen efter kommer han hjem og siger "Ikke bare er BH´en rød og hvid, men det er trusserne også! Ikke at det betyder noget, men det føles godt!"

På 3 dagen kommer konen hjem og siger : "Jeg har lige fået ny chef - Hans pik er 5cm længere end din. Ikke at det betyder noget, men det føles godt!"

A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
The guy hands the cop his driver´s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.
There´s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I´ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there´s an AR15 and a shotgun. That´s about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a fuckin thing..."

BR

En kvinde åbner døren og udenfor står en mand :
"Jeg har 12500kr du må få hvis du viser mig dine patter"
"Okay" - Siger kvinden og løfter op i trøjen
"De er flotte" siger manden og giver hende pengene og går igen.
Idiot, tænker kvinden men er glad for pengene.

Lidt senere kommer hendes mand hjem og spørg :
"Har Kurt været her med mine feriepenge?"

Hun: Hej.
Han: Jaaaa!!
Hun: forstyrer jeg dig?
Han: Nej da.
Hun: Elsker du mig?
......Han: Ja hele natten lang!
Hun: Har du nogensinde været mig utro?
Han: Nej aldrig.
Hun: Har du lyst til at kysse mig?
Han: Ja hver eneste gang jeg ser dig
Hun: Kunne du finde på at tæve mig?
Han. Nej er du vanvittig?
Hun: Kan jeg stole på dig?
Han: Ja.
Hun: Elskede!

3 år senere
Læs den nedefra og op !!!

A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

Forskelle på institutionsbørn i dag og jøder i 1940´erne: Institutionsbørn kan *ikke* lide at være den sidste, der bliver hentet.