Snak

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

"You´ve got to help me! I´m totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"

"Because I have shit running up my neck!!!"

BR

My girlfriend threw me out because she caught me measuring the size of my cock, how petty is that?

Anyway, it turns out it just reaches the back of her sisters throat.

Just been done by the police!

According to the law, wrapping your cock in the beano and wanking doesn´t count as COMIC RELIEF...

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it´s raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I´m sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let´s not fight about it", the man said, "Let´s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it´s officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It´s raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

BR

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what´s your problem?"
Harry answered, "I´m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I´m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal´s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal´s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an ´F´ and ends in ´K´ that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

LAT

En betjent holdt i siden af motorvejen og ventede på at fange fartbøller, da han ser en bil, der snegler sig af sted med 45 km/t.
Han tænker ved sig selv, "Denne bilist er næsten lige så farlig som én der kører for stærkt!"
Så han tænder blinkene og vinker bilisten ind til siden.

Da han går hen mod bilen, bemærker han at der sidder fem gamle ...damer i den: to damer på forsæderne og tre bag i, med opspilede øjne og hvide som spøgelser.

Den forvirrede fører af bilen sagde til betjenten, "Jeg forstår ikke helt?
Jeg kørte præcis det jeg måtte! Hvad er der galt med det?"
"Frue", svarer betjenten, "De kørte ikke for stærkt, men de bør vide at det også kan være farligt for andre bilister når De kører for langsomt."
"Kører for langsomt? Jamen betjent, jeg kørte præcis det der står på skiltet:
45 kilometer i timen!", svarede den gamle dame lidt stolt.
Betjenten, der havde svært ved at lade være med at grine, forklarede hende, at "45" var nummeret på motorvejen, ikke fartgrænsen.
Den lidt forlegne dame kunne heller ikke lade være med at grine, og takkede betjenten for oplysningen.
"Men før De kører, frue, bliver jeg nød til at spørge - Er alle her i bilen OK? Disse damer virker noget rystede og har slet ikke sagt et pip på noget tidspunkt," spurgte betjenten bekymret.

"Nåh - de har det godt igen om et par minutter. Vi kommer lige fra hovedvej 210!"

-

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

BR

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That´s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

BR

4 men were sitting in a room together being interviewed for a new job. The interviewer told the men "I am going to ask you each one question".
Turning to the first man the interview asks "What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The first man thinks for a moment and replies "A thought, because before you even realize it that thought is in your mind"
"Good" replied the interview. He turns to the second man and says, "Ok same question. What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The second man thinks and says "A blink because one second your eyes opened then closed then open before you even realize it happened."
"Good". Turning to the third man, "Same question"
"Electricity", says the third man, "because where I live on a big farm we have a light wayyyyyyy out there on the barn. I flick a switch at the house and as soon as I switch it that light comes on."
"Ok", to the forth man, "Same question."
The fourth man thinks long and hard and finally says, "diarrhoea."
The interviewer looks oddly at him and asks "Diarrhoea?"
The man says "Yeah, diarrhoea is the fastest thing I know of."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well," the man replies, "last week I had diarrhoea, so I ran to the bathroom, and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants"

BR

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog´s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog´s ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her"If you´re going to use this under your arms, don´t use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I´m not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you´re using it on your legs, don´t use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I´m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I´m using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

BR