Snak

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It´s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won´t be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It´s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we´ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don´t get upset. We´ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It´s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don´t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I´m William .......the little shit´s name is Kevin."

BR

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ´Doc, I think I´m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.´
´That´s not senility,´ replied the doctor.
´Senility is when you forget to zip down.´

BR

Hvad sagde Silvio Berlusconi, da Milan lige havde scoret på straffespark?

"Det var et billigt straffe!"

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says, "What´s with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it´s drivin´ me nuts!"

BR

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...

"Where are you from? You sound English",

"I´m from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?"

"I´m a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"It’s all right boys," shouts the barman he´s one of us.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You´re pulling my leg"

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature.

She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you´re obviously not fucking listening.

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I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it’s me talking to the beer.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What´s yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy´s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy´s a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

BR

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?
The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...
Why do you ask Two Dogs Doing It?"

BR

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you´re only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn´t budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don´t get up from there I´m going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what´s your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

BR

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.
Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it.
You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They´re all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

BR