Snak

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn´t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that´s marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn´t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o´clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It´s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that´s the greatest thing I´ve heard all day. Let´s go!" We went to lunch, but we didn´t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It´s such a beautiful day... We don´t need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let´s drop by my apartment, it´s just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don´t mind, I´m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I´ll be right back." "Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch...

Sobbing...

Naked...

and erect.

Found my wife dead in the washing machine this morning!!! fucking gutted but thinking about it at least she died in comfort!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked into a petrol station and said, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till got me a KitKat Chunky and laid it on the counter. "No," I said. "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mate asked me what my ring tone was?
I said not sure probably light brown.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked a Welsh mate of mine how many sexual partners he´s had.
Bizarrely he started counting then fell asleep.

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she´s happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

JJ

YARN!!!

YARN!!!

Forkert "tråd". Du leder efter bold.strik.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What´s the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let´s hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit´s still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson´s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You´ll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

BR

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him.
After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can´t do it because he´s her half brother.
The same problem happens again four more times!
The girl starts to get pissed off.
She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad´s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can´t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don´t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn´t really your dad."

BR

One of Microsoft´s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It´s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

BR

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that´s impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let´s row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It´s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can´t take any more coconut juice."

"It´s not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I´m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we´ve been out here for a very long time. You´ve been lonely. I´ve been lonely. There´s something I´m sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you´ve been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can´t believe what he´s hearing. His heart begins to pound. He´s truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

BR

Lionel Messi ville gerne score en pige, han tager med hende hjem..
På værelset siger pigen "Bare føl dig hjemme, jeg kommer lige om lidt" Da hun kommer tilbage ligger der to nøgne mænd ved siden af Messi, og hun råber med Sak Noel accent: "What the fuck" Mens Messi stille og roligt siger.. "Det må du undskylde, men jeg kan ikke præstere uden Xavi og Iniesta"