Snak

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I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right." I said.

"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."

I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ´He´s a crook! He´s guilty!´ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant´s lawyer."

BR

Shrink: "What is true intimacy with a woman"

"Not wearing a condom"

- Charlie Sheen

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I´m sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I´m sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I´ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

BR

Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a labrador. “Feck off”, say’s Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”!

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Paddy goes to the pub for a drink. Landlord says "I haven´t seen you in her before".
Paddy says just passing through.
Next two customers in, they say hello to Paddy. Then the next two in, say "hello Paddy haven´t seen you in ages".
After the landlord serves them, he comes over to Paddy and says " I thought you were passing through?
Paddy says "he is". Landlord says "but you know all my customers".
Paddy says "I know everyone".
Landlord says "Bet you don´t know Frank Bruno".
Paddy says "I worked with Frank when he was in Panto".
So, The landlord makes a bet for a pint and takes Paddy out to the back bar where Frank is having a quiet pint.
On seeing Paddy, Frank jumps up and greets paddy like a lost friend.
At the bar over the pint the landlord asks Paddy if he knows Cameron.
Paddy says "sure went to school with him".
Landlord bets £1K.
Off to number 10 they go, the copper outside greets Paddy with "a good morning Paddy long time no see". Paddy asks if Cameron was in and copper says yes.
In paddy goes to be greeted very friendly.
Landlord pays the £1K.
On the way down the street the landlord asks Paddy if he knows the Pope.
Paddy tells him "I´ve has more than one audience with the Pope". £100k bet is laid.
To the airport they go and fly to Italy, in the square Paddy says to the landlord "cause the Pope is surrounded with security it will take me a good half an hour to get on the balcolny is the bet still on".
The landlord agrees.
20 mins later Paddy is on the balcony with his arm around the shoulder of the Pope.
The landlord faints!!!!!!
Paddy rushes to his aid.
Slapping his face he asks the landlord as he was coming around,
"Was it the shock of me knowing the Pope?"
"No" says the landlord.
"Was it the shock of losing a £100K".
"No" says the landlord.
"What was it then?"
"The two Japanese tourists behind me saying
"Who the fluck is that with Paddy on the balcony.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths are planning to close lanes 5 and 6.

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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it´s got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven´t taken it out of the bowl yet".

Pensionisternes SMS-koder:

ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair.
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
IPM - I pooped myself.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can´t get up
PMSL - Pissed my self laughing (literally)
WTF - Where´s the Funeral?
BFF - Bus fucking full

En lille vits fra filmen BLUE VALENTINE...

En gammel pædofil mand og en lille dreng går ind i skoven. De går længere og længere ind og det bliver mørkere og mørkere omkring dem.

Den lille dreng siger: "Uh, hvor er her uhyggeligt. Jeg bliver helt bange."

Den gamle pædofile mand svarer: "Så tænk på mig. Jeg skal gå alene tilbage."

(Fremført af Michelle Williams)

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There´s nothing wrong with them Sir. "
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly.
"Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. Are-my-test-re-sults-back?..."