Snak

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma´am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

BR

A lady complained to the builder of the house and told him that whenever a train passes by in the nearby station, the house shook and that day she almost feel off the bed.
The builder thought that she was exaggerating things and went to her house to find out.
The train was due in a few minutes and she asked the builder to lie on the bed to experience it. Just then the door opened and her boxing husband entered the room to see a man on the bed.
He asked his wife: "What is the meaning of this? What is this man doing in the bed with you in the room?"
His wife told him: "Would you believe he is waiting for a train?"

BR

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What´s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can´t you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn´t like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don´t you find a girl who´s just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that´s just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I´m afraid not. My Father can´t stand her!"

BR

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in Hospital. "It´s great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice.

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"
One of them chirped, "It´s WALES you freaking idiot !!!"
So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

BR

3 gæve flyttemænd var blevet lidt tørstige, og besluttede sig for at holde ind ved næste landevejskro.
De bad om 3 tuborg, og da de skulle betale, bad servtricen om 30 kr. Bag ved baren, kommer servitricen imidlertid i tanke om, at kroen jo i denne uge kører et tilbud på 3 Tuborg for 25 kr. Hun vil da ikke snyde de gæve flyttemænd, og begiver sig tilbage til bordet, for at aflevere 5 kr. Undervejs tænker hun på, hvordan deler jeg nu 5 kr. imellem 3 kunder? Hun beslutter sig for ikke at nævne noget om tilbudet, beholder selv 2 kr, og giver her af de 3 mænd 1 kr. tilbage. Således har flyttemændene jo betalt 9 kr. hver for deres øl!
Her hopper kæden af!
3 x 9 kr. = 27 kr. + de 2 kr. som servitricen stoppede i lommen, det bliver i alt 29 kr.
Hvor er den sidste krone?

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I´m a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I´m sorry. I didn´t realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I´ll show you how."

BR

3 gæve flyttemænd var blevet lidt tørstige, og besluttede sig for at holde ind ved næste landevejskro.
De bad om 3 tuborg, og da de skulle betale, bad servtricen om 30 kr. Bag ved baren, kommer servitricen imidlertid i tanke om, at kroen jo i denne uge kører et tilbud på 3 Tuborg for 25 kr. Hun vil da ikke snyde de gæve flyttemænd, og begiver sig tilbage til bordet, for at aflevere 5 kr. Undervejs tænker hun på, hvordan deler jeg nu 5 kr. imellem 3 kunder? Hun beslutter sig for ikke at nævne noget om tilbudet, beholder selv 2 kr, og giver her af de 3 mænd 1 kr. tilbage. Således har flyttemændene jo betalt 9 kr. hver for deres øl!
Her hopper kæden af!
3 x 9 kr. = 27 kr. + de 2 kr. som servitricen stoppede i lommen, det bliver i alt 29 kr.
Hvor er den sidste krone?

De har ganske rigtigt betalt 27 kr. De 25 der ligger i kassen og de 2 servitricen stoppede i lommen.

Dertil kommer de 3 kroner, de tre mænd fik retur. I alt 30 kr.

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can´t swim."

BR

Er vittigheder i klassisk forstand ikke rimelige passé?