Snak

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman´s face was severely burned. The doctor told the wife that they couldn´t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman´s new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ´I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.´
The husband replies, ´Your eyesight´s damn near perfect!

Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don´t know what they mean.

Jimmy Savile´s family have had the gravestone removed along with the flowers as a mark of respect. It just leaves a small hole and no bush around it.

Just what he would have wanted.

Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.


Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he´s out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn´t believe it, but there´s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he´s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He´s out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there´s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He´s dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b…… put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

Ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he´ll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman.
´Hiya, mind if I talk to your dog?´

Villager: ´The dog doesn´t talk, you stupid English twat.´

Ventriloquist: ´Hello dog, how´s it going mate?´

Dog: ´Yeah, doing all right.´

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: ´Is this villager your owner?´ (pointing at the villager)

Dog: ´Yep.´

Ventriloquist: ´How does he treat you?´

Dog: ´Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.´

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: ´Mind if I talk to your horse?´

Welshman: ´Uh, the horse doesn´t talk either... I think.´

Ventriloquist: ´Hey horse, how´s it going?´

Horse: ´Cool.´

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: ´Is this your owner?´ (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: ´Yep.

Ventriloquist: ´How does he treat you?´

Horse: ´Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.´

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ´Mind if I talk to your sheep?´

Welshman: (in a panic) ´The sheep´s a f*cking liar......!!......!!

A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow´s final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won´t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can´t believe they did my wife after only five beers!"

Shaving your balls is just plain nuts.

What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.

Yo momma´s so stupid, she took an IQ test and scored pretty low on it.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Jeg grinte nok mere end jeg burde have gjort over den der.