Snak

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I´m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don´t mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child´s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you´ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don´t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it´s a beautiful day, and there´s hardly anyone on the course, so they´ve been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys´ perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they´ve each five-putted it!
The first guy says ´´Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don´t want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!´´ The second one goes, ´´Well, maybe I´ll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I´ll be back in a sec.´´
So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ´´Jesus! That´s my wife and my girlfriend! They´re both here! Golfing together! I´m sorry, man, but I can´t say anything to them. I´m liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?´´
So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ´´What´s wrong? What´s the matter?´´ his friend says.
´´Same damn thing,´´ he replies.

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: ´I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.´
Priest: ´Are you sorry for your sins?´
Man: ´What sins?´
Priest: ´What kind of a Catholic are you?´
Man: ´I´m Jewish.´
Priest: ´Why are you telling me all this?´
Man: ´I´m 92 years old; I´m telling everybody!´

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
A barber.

What do you call a selfish fish? Shellfish

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What´s the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn´t talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn´t it a good thing that she isn´t talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man´s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they´re for the funeral!"

En AGF-fan dør på kamp-dagen og kommer til himlen i sin AGF trøje.
Han banker på himlens port, og ud kommer Skt. Peter med et RFC halstørklæde.
"Hejsa" siger Skt. Peter, "Jeg beklager, men AGF-fans kan ikke komme i himlen"
"Hvad ?" udbryder manden, forbløffet.
"Du hørte hvad jeg sagde, ingen AGF fans"
"Men jeg har været god!?", siger manden.
"OK, hvad har du så gjort af gode gerninger?", spørger Skt. Peter.
"Fx. gav jeg for tre uger siden en hjemløs 100 kroner".
"OK! Har du gjort mere"?
"For to uger siden gav jeg 100 kroner til de sultne i Afrika".
"Hmmmm, noget mere"?
"Ja, for en uge siden gav jeg 100 kroner til Albanske hjemløse".
"OK, vent her mens jeg snakker med Gud".
Der går ti minutter før Skt. Peter kommer igen. Han kigger manden i øjnene og siger:
"Jeg har snakket med Gud og han er enig. Her har du dine 300 kroner igen, og skrid så"!!

Det er tredie halvleg i AGF. Tre spillere sidder og snakker om deres koner.
Steffen Rasmussen fotæller: "Min kone er den dummeste. Ved I hvad? Hun har lige købt fire Viborg dæk - og vi har ingen bil."
Min kone er fan´me dummere siger Casper Sloth: "Hun har lige købt otte computerspil, og vi har ingen computer."
Så bryder Anders Kure ind "Min kone overgår jeres stort, for ved I hvad? Hun har købt 10 pakker kondomer til sin Ibiza-tur med veninderne... Og jeg skal ikke med!

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you´re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke´s on them because I wasn´t even at home yesterday!"