Snak

- "What is Mozart doing right now?"
- "Decomposing"

og så favoritten for tiden:

- "What´s the best thing about Switzerland?"
- "Well, the flag is a big plus"

Kære Beer

Jeg ved godt, at din vits anno 1. maj er gammel.

Men den er fandme ikke sjov. Du burde skamme dig.

Ikk´?

TILGIV MIG, HVIS DEN HAR VÆRET HER FOR NYLIG OG JEG HAR OVERSET DEN!

Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.

“The first son said, “I sent mom a Mercedes.”

The second son said, “I bought mom a mansion.”

The third son smirked and said, “I’ve got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can’t see very well anymore?… Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He’s one of a kind!! Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM… the parrot recites it!”

Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.

“Andy,” she wrote, “the house you built is so big and even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house.”

“John,” she wrote, “I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.

“Mark,” she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite son. You have such good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!”

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. Yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

THE AGONY OF AGEING

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my ageing friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You´re supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it´s only about bloody golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don´t get scammed.


EASYJET

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.

The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don´t know! It´s your fecking plane"

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy." Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, “ Edinburgh ."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." The man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

BR

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir,I´m a Jehovah´s Witness ..."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Buggered if I know, I´ve never got this far before."

I pulled the local slag last night and took her back to my place for sex.

As I laid on the bed watching the sperm dribble out of her minge, I immediately thought to myself, "Well, at least I won´t need lube."

My wife is one of those annoying people that ruins films by asking questions.

Last night we were watching Schindler´s List and she stupidly asked, "Why are you wanking?".

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest´s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ´Sir, have you been drinking?´
´Just water,´ says the priest.
The trooper says, ´Then why do I smell wine?´
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ´Good Lord! He´s done it again!´

BR

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

BR