Snak

Hvorfor laver Michael J. Fox de bedste milkshakes?

Fordi han bruger de bedste ingredienser

....

Ok, den fungerer bedre face to face.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don´t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I´m actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it´s done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it´s 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It´s 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON´T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. But he is awoken again. ´It´s 5:25," says another jogger.

EN KLASSIKER...

En mor stod i køkkenet og kunne derfra høre sin søn lege med tog inde i
stuen. Hun bemærkede sønnen sige:

..."Så er det Holte og alle I lede røvhuller der skal af her, skal skynde jer af
helvede til og alle idioterne der skal med.........se at få røven med jer.......
... ... ... ... ... ... VI SKAL JO VIDERE"!!!

Den chokerede mor skyndte sig ind i stuen og sagde:

"Vi bruger sandelig ikke den slags sprog her i huset! Som straf må du gå op
på dit værelse og blive der i to timer. HVIS du så har lært at tale
ordentligt, kan du komme ned og lege med dit tog igen"!!

To timer efter kommer drengen ned igen og begynder atter sin leg med toget.

Ude fra køkkenet hører moderen sønnen sige:

"Til alle passagererne der nu forlader os vil jeg sige tak for denne gang og
husk venligst jeres bagage. Vi håber De har haft en behagelig rejse.
Til vore nye rejsende vil jeg ønske Dem velkommen ombord. Vi vil gøre vort
yderste for at gøre denne rejse så behagelig for Dem som muligt".

Moderen smiler stolt, til hun hører drengen fortsætte..............

"OG ER DER NOGEN AF JER RØVHULLER, DER ER SURE OVER, AT VI NU ER BLEVET TO TIMER FORSINKET, KAN I GÅ UD OG TALE MED DEN FEDE KÆLLING UDE I KØKKENET, DER ER SKYLD I FORSINKELSEN

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

BR

Pilot´s dilemma.!!!!

Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It´s the first time they´ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ´I don´t like Chinese.´

No rike Chinese?´ asks the co-pilot, ´why not?´

´You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that´s why!´

´No, no´, the co-pilot protests, ´Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.´

´Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn´t matter, you´re all alike!´

There´s a few minutes of silence.

´I no rike Jews!´ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

´Oh yeah, why not?´ asks the captain.

´Jews sink Titanic!´ says the co-pilot.

´What? You´re insane! Jews didn´t sink the Titanic!´ exclaims the captain, ´It was an iceberg!´

´Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all fuckin same.´

BR

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I´m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What´s your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That´s amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I´m talking to a f--k--g brick wall!"

BR

This snail crawls up to this bar as it was closing.
The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bartender finally opens the door.
The bartender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demands a beer. The bartender looks down and sees him, but replies, "Hey, we´re closed now and besides we don´t serve snails!" and proceeds to slam the door.
The snail again pounds on the door.
The bartender becomes so frustrated that he opens the door again and kicks the snail away.
A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What´d you do that for?"

BR

Engineers and Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you´re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it´s no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don´t know where you are, or where you´re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You´re in the same position you were before we met, but now it´s my fault."

Italian Girl Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,´Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!´

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’

‘I can´t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I´ll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?´

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man´s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.

"You-a gonna try again!"