Snak

Her nogle ultimativt dårlige scorereplikker:

"Der står en tom øldåse foran mig. Er det din?" Svar: "Nej." Svar:"Så tar jeg den. Den giver en krone i returpant".

"Hvis din far havde været astronaut, havde han hentet en vis planet ned til dig. Du skal have chokolade. Du vil jo gerne have en bar"

"Hvis du havde bue og pil, ville du ikke ramme stjernerne. Det ville blive et skud i tågen"

Meget morsomt...

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”

BR

"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I´m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you´ve been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he´d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn´t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn´t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn´t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I´ve married you, I´m really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You´re a lawyer. This time I know I´m going to get screwed!"

3 gode sakset fra "Information" og Slavoj Žižeks

1. DEN OM SYSTEMKRITIKEREN
Den slovenske rockstjernefilosof fortæller om systemkritikeren: En bonde og hans kone vandrer langs en støvet grusvej i 1400-tallets Rusland. Landet er under mongolsk besættelse, og en kriger til hest stopper ved ægteparret og erklærer, at han nu har i sinde at voldtage kvinden. Han tilføjer, henvendt til bonden: »Men siden der er så meget støv på jorden, må du holde om mine testikler, mens jeg voldtager din kvinde, så de ikke bliver beskidte«. Da den mongolske kriger har gjort sin ugerning og rider væk, begynder bonden at grine og hoppe af glæde. Hans overraskede kone spørger: »Hvordan kan du være så glad, når jeg lige er blevet brutalt voldtaget i dit nærvær?« Bonden svarer: »Men jeg fik ham. Nu er hans nosser helt dækkede af støv«. Denne triste vittighed fortæller om systemkritikerens krise, har Žižek sagt; det gælder ikke om at gøre magtens nosser beskidte, men om at »skære dem af«.

2. DEN OM DET KORRUPTE POLITI
Žižek har også en gammel jugoslavisk vittighed om korruption. Det er en politimand, der kommer hjem fra arbejde, tidligere end han plejer, og finder sin kone i deres fælles dobbeltseng. Hun er nøgen og tydeligt opstemt. Han er selvfølgelig sikker på, at han lige har overrasket hende med en elsker, så straks begynder han at gennemsøge rummet efter den mand, der måtte gemme sig et sted. Da han bukker sig forover for at kigge under sengen, bliver hustruen helt bleg. Han ser ind under den, og efter lidt kort hvisken rejser han sig med et selvtilfreds smil på læben og siger: »Undskyld, min kære, falsk alarm. Der er ikke nogen under sengen,« mens han i hånden holder fast om et par 1.000 dinar-sedler.

3. DEN OM JØDERNE
Žižek har selvfølgelig også et utal af vittigheder, der gør sig morsomme på det jødiske folks bekostning. For eksempel den om de to jødiske venner, der går forbi en katolsk kirke, på hvilken en stor plakat henvender sig til ikke-katolske med teksten: »Kom til os. Accepter katolicisme, og få udbetalt 30.000 dollar i kontanter.« De to venner begynder på deres vej videre at diskutere, om tilbuddet mon er seriøst ment. En uge senere mødes de to igen foran den samme kirke, og den ene siger til den anden: »Jeg spekulerer nu stadig på, om det tilbud mon er seriøst ment.« Den anden svarer nedladende: »Åh, I jøder. I tænker kun på penge.«

Kan især lide den sidste.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “do you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
“Yeah that’s the one”

To filosofiske jokes

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I´d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I´m sorry, Monsieur, but we´re out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and proceeds to order many drink[s]. The bartender says to him a while later, seeing he is completely inebriated, ‘I think you’ve had enough.’ Descartes slurs, ‘I think not!’ Then he disappears.

FRED worked in a sawmill and one day he cut off his arm.

They put it in a plastic bag, put it in ice and rushed it and Fred to the hospital.

The next day Fred´s boss rang his wife to see how he was.

"He´s fine. He´s playing tennis with the surgeon."

"But he lost an arm yesterday?" said the boss.

"Wonders of modern medicine," said the wife.

A week later, Fred was at work again and cut off his leg.

It was put in a plastic bag, put on ice and was rushed to hospital with Fred.

The boss rang his wife the next day to see how Fred was going.

"Fine. He´s playing golf with the surgeon."

"But he lost his leg only yesterday?"

"Wonders of modern medicine."

A week later, Fred was at work and he cut off his head.

Staff at the sawmill did exactly what they did for his arm and his leg.

The next day Fred´s boss rang his wife to see how he was.

"He´s dead," she said.

"But what happened to the miracles of modern medicine?" he asked.

"Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.
Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They´ll rob you blind. Don´t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That´ll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don´t! My dad warned me about you. You´ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men.
"And you´ll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn´t dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"